Living Differently

I try to live my life differently. Through all the pain and anguish I vowed to make it count. Yes it could all be rather suffocating but in the absence of something great we only have one chance to make it right. Maybe right being a poor choice but a life full of meaning to get anybody through a rainy time. We all know somebody we admire or have heard of someone who tried their best. There are innovators, artists, scientists, athletes, and all those in between who reach for the stars no matter what.

All it takes is a flash of a memory to bring a loved one back to life. I am honoured by the visit when a friend spurs into my head. Reminding me how tragic their life had become when they were determined to lead with their head and turn off their heart. I think it was that memory of my friend telling me to come home. Telling me I was still remembered and loved and that it would be ok. He was my lifeline I would talk to when the demons ran rampant in my dreams and kept me awake. It was his memory that kicked me in this direction maybe out of fear and pure exhaustion. My guilt still freezes me anytime I reflect. He reached for me and I ignored him minutes later he fell hundreds of feet to his death.

You have to live differently when you lose a friend in that way. So many rumours, so many lies, the only truth is now that you are gone. I guess I should feel happy that maybe you aren’t there existing all alone. There are those who still remember and love you and know deep down your last minutes weren’t yours in error. I will never believe that. I can’t imagine your life flashing before you as you fell and the last smile you would have seen as you landed and it all went to black. I try to believe in karma but how can I now that you are gone. Some believed you slipped and fell but they didn’t know you growing up. You were wild, carefree and adventerous a true Billy Goat Gruff.

How can those live with their tragic decisions that ended anothers life. Divorce, custody battles and everything else we do to destroy another human being. If I can’t have you no one will. What kind of diseased thinking is that? There is no rage like that of a jilted lover. Isn’t that confirmation that sex rots the brain. We know that most murders happen by someone we know. Keep your circle close and live by example just like the bible told you so. You don’t have to go to church every Sunday to be a good person. There was 10 recommended guidelines to follow even if you forgot about the saints.

Growing up we weren’t overly religious but we did want to grow up being good people and doing the right things. My dad was the one who gave me the idea that all that we needed was given to us in this life. We were farmers. We lived off the land. It was the 80’s. My Dad built our house and we all chipped in on the garden but he always reminded of those 10 recommended life rules. Honour thy neighbour, your parents, and don’t steal another mans wife. It all seemed so easy till we all grew up and begin to understand that life was not going to be easy and not many would get an upper hand.

Every life starts with good intentions then some fall threw the cracks. There truly is no way of knowing how the trials and tribulations of life will affect each one of us. Some will be gilted by many lovers, others it will take just one before they snap and live deliriously hell bent on revenge and nothing else. Yes love feels good but do we have to keep it such on the straight and narrow? Be honest, be loved, be loyal to your being first and the rest will come as naturally as if you alone were Mother Earth. Be gentle in your love for others but don’t just stop there. Everything is alive around us if you can still your mind you can hear their whispers and they will love you back in kind.

When those we love leave us too soon they make imprints on our heart. They remind us time and love is sacred and we should do all we can to honour both.  Live your life. Love your life. And keep those who bring you joy and passion forever close to your heart. Just because they are gone doesn’t mean they need to be forgotton. Pain only becomes unbearable when you fail to see what is next. Death is inevitable even when it comes at anothers hand. It depends on what you believe not a pain that all can withstand. The suffocation that comes when we focus on not knowing instead of the lesson brought forward to us is something that threatens to blow out our spark. You know what I mean. When we lose someone we love, be it in our control or out, we all teeter on the brink of darkness periodically jumping in and out. Some of us are lucky that we can choose to indulge our senses. Nothing washes your soul faster then a good heartfelt cry. The cry that lets your inside match with your outside without affecting too many in your presence. The gift of life is given to us the moment we enter the room. It is the promise of new beginnings, a chance to grow and eventually consumme. Nurture your soul with good intentions and a passion for life that only your heart knows.  Not this be all attitude and anything that goes. It is not up to us to take away a gift of life given to another. To think one person amongst us can willingly hurt another. They just don’t affect the person they hate. They threaten the lives of their living loved ones and that to me is something I will never forget.

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