Wondering Wildly

Life. The one time your opinion truly matters but for the most part you let the opinion of others weigh you down. It happens the first time another makes you feel not good enough. Almost like we don’t already know that we are less than perfect just this dull buzz of annoyance of who we once were compared to who we hoped to be. Thinking about it drives me mad in some ways. As it does to the next person and we can see it in the way that we choose to behave. Behaving more like children and less like adults except for children act with better manners and adults, well who knows who we are to become. I pause a lot and try to get my mind to bend further but it seems I can only get so far than my thinking stops. I have some bad luck and some bad experiences mixed with bad intentioned people and all the mix ins in between. Something has to give in order to make room for what is next. There is only so far you can reach forward when your other hand is holding onto the past. Was I angry for all the misfortune that kept on coming and the internal storm that was beginning to build? Of course everybody would be a little bit more than perturbed and questioning your role and hand in everything. Is it my fault somehow for wanting to try and live my best life? Not hurting any along the way because the true focus was on me and what would make me happy? Hurting those that I love would never be an option but could I find some way to finally find me and saving them at the same time? Isn’t that what needs to happen in order to watch my family flourish and grow? A strong moral center of self followed with an immeasurable amount of happiness and love. If only, I wonder.

Sometimes I think about how is it that I ended up here and what does that all mean. In a meme I saw earlier it talked about the journey we each take into coming into being. Some version of us swims against million. Reaching to sit inside one teeny, tiny egg like every single species. As we speak I am waiting to see if my budgies will hatch another egg, which should happen any day. Then after being born there is a percentage of babies that die in infancy (not to mention that pass in utero), then just trying to get out of adolescence also carries a big risk. To think that after the struggle to make it to being an adult we begin to shit the bed and just give up. Forgive my words in saying so but there is no other greater disrespect to mother nature and her plan than taking a one way ticket to crazy town spitting along all others along the way. The struggle to find your true authentic self is hard enough anyways we don’t need to put up anymore obstacles along the way. We already did the hard part. Making it to the land of the living. Why would we wanted to grab hold of that to see all that we could do? Hrrrrmmmm, I wonder.

In my life I want to play the part of someone who is glamorous, living for all the years that I was living like I was not. My wardrobe was work out clothes and the odd punch of dress-up a lady needed an outfit to be seen in didn’t she? I had spent more than enough time in day old sweats and now that I am older it is just something I can no longer be. I love to feel like a lady should especially when I think about how much history and passion has gone into years of self discovery. Not just for me but women over centuries. Cleopatra was known for her beauty, and there was the first display of rouge being applied which was seen as blasphemy back then. Then there is the link too patriotism when we consider the ties to World War 2 a red lippy truly had. There was a struggle for women (and even worse off were men) who wanted to find a way to release the beauty that lived within. It is more widely accepted to look like a hot mess than it does to look put together and in somewhat control. I find I am more productive after I am dressed even if it is just to putter around my garden or to even clean the house. Oddly though when it goes to leaving the house you have to be prepared for the glaring side eye or the ones whose eyes light up when you catch their attention. This is who I am and this is how I am most comfortable, it is the same feeling I would imagine for those who prefer to live their life in leggings and sweats. I dress for my life like it is going to be the greatest day ever because you never now just how I day may just unfold. Besides all that we should all be free to do what moves us and not be made out to be a certain way. What appears on the outside is nowhere near what could possibly lie within that is why it is always best never to judge a book by it’s cover. And sometimes you have no idea even by the title so it’s best to dive in and honour the feelings that be. This year has brought me so much upset to what I came accustomed to my normal life. Friends turned into foes and foes are still my enemies I never forget a knife that I have had to remove from my back. Life is never easy but maybe living could be if we run wildly towards who we used to be and never look back.

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