There is nothing more humbling in life than realizing your presence in yours or the lack there of. I started the Mental Health Challenge to remind us of the day to day struggle that we all face. That there will always be those days and moments in life when we feel less than desirable but there is the hope that maybe there is somebody out there somewhere that cares about our feelings and how the rollover emotions threatens to rot us to our core. Trust me on this. You can work the steps and do everything that you think you are supposed to do but you will still be the underside of their belly. You will never amount to their equal and you will waste away trying to get them to notice you in a world that doesn’t exist between you. I have tried so many medications, treatments, books, recommendations and the root of my evil is still there. He bears down on me during his waking hours then blissfully drifts off to sleep.
Out of the mouth of babes is where the deep rooted truth lies and it amazes me all the ways we try to distort their truth. A child isn’t exposed to all the macabre displays of humanity that we are so it is unrealistic to think that they could distort their truth to such proportions that will make you cringe. Children lie about colours, messes and chores but are they able to lie about their feelings? If we try and relate to them on their level and listen to what they we might be caught off guard. My reality is my own and as much as I try to guard my son from what is happening he is my mini me and for right now my better half. He is the piece of me that is untainted and still has great hope for the world. He asks questions with such life and vigor and his favourite sentence these days is, “I try.” At three he wants to do things that will make me happy all the household things my husband refuses to do. Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it is to watch your child insist on mopping the floors, doing the dishes and vacuuming? His reasoning for helping is that if we can finish faster than there is more time to sit down with him and play.
My truth is I don’t like being a housewife. It has become my biggest fear brought to life. I know I was eager to find somebody like my dad but why did the resemblance have to be so close? For the first time I understand exactly how my mom felt. That fear of being consumed in entirety that your existence no longer matters to anybody. You become a fly on the wall in your own life to scared to make a movement out of fear of being swatted. I understand the feeling of desperation of finding somebody in this life who would notice if you were no longer around and give you a hug when you need one most. Is it wrong that I forget completely what it feels like to be loved by a man? It makes me question if I have ever been loved at all. Imagine in my 41 years of existence nobody has ever loved me with a whole heart the way I have lowered my walls and loved them. In my mind I am always the side piece until something better comes along. Why is this my life? How is this my life When I was begging to the angels to bring me a man to love and protect me I never intended that it would come to me in the form of a son but now here he is and here I am. There are some days when it is so easy to be ignored by the man of the house knowing that one day we will both be free from whatever shot of humour this time in my life is. Well played karma, well played.
I don’t want to be a wife anymore all I want to be is a mom. To be honest I am already beginning to prepare for the day when I have to give him to the world and pray I taught him enough. I squeeze him a little tighter and give him extra kisses when I can because above all he is what makes this time in my life so grand. I don’t regret marrying my husband as one might think. To say I honestly gave it my best shot is an understatement. There is only so much one person can do before they realize that they have nowhere to stand in the other person’s life story. None of the vows that were exchanged that day have actually been honoured. At least that is what it feels like to me. My mind keeps telling me that physical intimacy is not necessary to be happy but then everything I read, no matter the genre, tells me otherwise. These moments right here make me question everything. The point of it all, the meaning of life and truly the honest intentions of even the purest heart. I want to shut down but I have little eyes watching my every move and weary breath. I have to be over the top because inside I am breaking. There are so many pieces I can’t even begin to know how to put them all together. I want to trust something or someone but all my instincts are telling me you went down this path don’t do it again. Remember the last time you tried to trust and what happened? Fade to black. The rabbit hole won’t release you this time if you find yourself falling. There is only so much a housewife can take before she snaps back and loses her mind. To stay in control or to lose my mind. One sounds so utterly delicious and the other so common, so mundane. I played by the rules of this game and found myself nowhere, not even close. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Maybe it’s time to mix things up again before this housewife finds herself going insane.