This question of what is your favourite movie has been posed to me a few times now. Would you believe the answer changes depending on my mood? The energy that is exuding off of me that day is what I would tend to gravitate towards. If I was melancholy and desperate to believe in love and romance I might turn on “The Notebook” or if I am in need of a good laugh “The Goods” or “My Best Friends Girl” are perfect choices. My heart still longs for the truth and compassion of humanity as I get lost in “The Last of the Mohicans” or “Pathfinder” tales that border on the truth of what happened to our people long ago. Don’t be confused by the term “our people” my mind and hearts know that we are all created equally. Nothing changes because of the pigment of our skin or chromosomes that might give us extra toes. What is not lost on me is the feelings of emotion that get stirred in me even if it is just words up on the silver screen. Escapism is something that we can all benefit from time to time as long as we are able to know the difference when it comes to reality and that we can safely make our way back.
At times during my busy schedule I forgo what I can watch on tv and prefer to run around like a chicken cut off instead. The idea of slowing down actually terrifies me. When I slow down even for a minute that is when my emotions catch up to me. I didn’t learn to run this fast from them to have them reduce me to my knees whenever they see fit. And they do. Whenever they get a hold of me they threaten to take me down and make it so that I can no longer stand on my legs with out my knocking knees deafening me. So if I sit down even for a minute it better be a tale that won’t leave me stagnant or fearing for my being. There is so many rude examples of entertainment out there that glorify the very things that makes us inhumane. There are those that will capitalize on the tragedies of others laughing to the bank the whole way. They don’t care that what they brought to life was another beings nightmare. I couldn’t imagine the horror of watching your biggest fear transpire on the big screen to other’s amazement and encouragement. Even now that imagery reminds me of another fracture in my marriage. My husband would rather glorify evil than watch a movie that might be more calming for my senses. Maybe that is why I try to stay as busy as a bee until I can rest my head and forget about my life and if I can’t sleep because of a busy mind I have a little white pill for that that will free my mind.
Why would somebody void of romance and love want to be reminded of it’s lack of existence in one’s life? For me it boils down to hope. I always hope that one day if I do what is right and live an honourable life that maybe the heaven’s will shine down on me and also bless me with a more appropriate life partner. I am not saying they did wrong with the blessing that is my family but such is life nothing is forever and I often wonder if maybe one day there will be a better way. Now that I am here living this life I try to do the best that I can. It is hard not to fire on all cylinders when the one who promised to love and protect you is the one who is trying mercilessly to reduce you to ash and one day dust. I fully appreciate the struggle the salmon makes now to fulfill it’s life’s destiny. I am right there fighting the path of resistance saying let me validate my life, let me prove to the world I existed. Don’t listen to what all the others are saying!! I am here! Let me use my voice. Then I get carried away downstream only to begin my internal struggle once again. A movie, a good movie, will carry me away and bring me back stronger and ready to combat the forces in my way trying to deter me. Escapism is real but you only have to be able to find your way back. We can’t stay there. We can’t live there. Reality always has a way of calling us back.
“You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”. ― Nicholas Sparks. This has always been my biggest fear. That and finally admitting that I have shadow that lives on my heart. The one memory and feeling that reduces me to nothing and makes living seem impossible even after all the greatness that I have obtained along the way. I want to be able to live the life that will make my life happy but after two decades of longing I know the reality of that happening is slim to none. I think that has been the root of all my anxious depression heightened by events that would keep even the craziest of person at bay. I could take an hour or two to escape from reality but all that will do is remind my heart of all that I am missing and all that I wish I had. If anything this challenge although simple in design has narrowed right down to the one thing that has spent a lifetime hurting my heart. One feeling brought us together than a million others drove us apart. How I wish this challenge was simpler and how it is about to get harder even still. In one week I have to prepare myself for the greatest challenge revealing every feeling I have ever bottled up. That seems like a summer storm festering just off of the Pacific. The feelings that my heart has captured I have long decided to take to my grave. Imagine over all the years I have shared with you there is something that I am still holding back. One feeling my happy ending and a million others holding me back.