Day 14: Go to Bed 30 Minutes Early

Ahhh the go to bed early. Every mother’s dream and every child’s nightmare. The thing about sleep is we very much need it but if we blink too fast the dream is over, never to reopen our eyes again. That is what we are all rushing towards and squirreling away lost dreams and treasures. One memento can be a lifeline to one but a piece of trash to another. Just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So is sleep and the ability to dream. One minute all we have ever wanted out of life seems right there and in a flash it gets carried away like the songs on the lips of a stranger never to be heard again. Maybe it is just that bittersweet time of year that brings the promises of a new beginning but for some on the outskirts it also brings with it the end. The end of all that has been normal for however long it was normal for you. What was once so common to you is just gone. Those that you love. Your shoes. Your socks. They still remain but for some odd reason everything that made you you, well that essence is long gone. It is haunting to happen upon someone’s prized possessions. The things that were tucked away seem so odd now and have no reason. This is where we are all rushing towards to fulfill our next lustful need until one day we sit alone because in the real world we don’t all die together we just get picked off one at a time.

Sleep has not been my friend for awhile now. Ever since you know when (and if you don’t remember or have read it all stems from the night I lost my child to be). It’s the strangest dream and I can recall most facts. Some details change. It is usually in what pet that passes or getting lost in all the packing or the drive that takes forever from point a to point b. Point a is sometimes a little bit different but point b is always the home where I grew up but for the life of the dream I never end up there. Where I end up or the detours I take vary also a little bit but what doesn’t change is the person I am trying to get a hold of. That desperate ring, ring, ring. I feel hazy in the way I live most days like half is me is struggling to get back to the dream because if I only I get that phone call everything that has happened up to this point will finally make sense. Maybe it is only 30 minutes more sleep I need to reach the end goal of my dream but then my reality makes it an impossibility which makes me forget at times what it is I am trying achieve.

I know sleep is something we all need and within reason the more we can get the better we will feel and the healthier we will be. Try talking to a tired 3 year old and you will better understand what I mean. I know I am shorter when I am tired. Yes both physically and mentally. Your posture slouches. Your shoulders feel tight and your lower back begins to hurt. So in addition to all these physical ailments your mind also decides to ditch out on you too. Some days I am so tired from cleaning and managing all these animal relationships that by the time my husband comes home I am zoned out. Maybe I don’t listen as much as I should, at least to him, with a second set of ears now in the house I can try and focus on getting something done. Anything that might make me feel a little more human again than a slave to a mood swing brought on by a toddler. I think that is my driving force on why I put myself out there. Kind of like hey I am here too. My life should matter. Even now I notice my husband takes credit for all that goes on around here. Ya sure he helps out from time to time with litters and yard pick up but in my eyes that is just the superficial band aid when it comes to the nuts and the bolts of it. And trust me it will drive you nuts trying to do it all. More than enough to make you bolt. Haha not humourous please forgive me. My brain froze a little spending the night out in the bus last night. Maybe I could use a half hour extra of sleep.

I remember being 18 and me and a girlfriend drove out to Vancouver. That’s a 7 hour drive with barely a cell phone. I say barely because in the late 90’s who had one of those anyways am I right? Between having nowhere to stay and crashing behind a dumpster of the Mirage Nightclub (please google if you aren’t familiar just so you have an idea Surrey, BC is the location). I ripped a contact which is essential when you are a driver and wouldn’t you know getting your prescription was easy but hailing from a small town was not. The optometrist obviously called my mom when he found out my prescription was needed in Vancouver. The point of this in its relation to sleep was that while we were waiting for the contact we went into the convenience store and there was a sign that said “You sleep enough when you are dead.” In our minds we thought it made complete sense. Our time here isn’t guaranteed so why would you want to waste time sleeping when you could be doing something great. Needless to say that attitude didn’t last very long and it resulted in a very bestie severing kind of way. Similar to when you rip off a band aide but sometimes people can’t handle the sting. If the sting lasts too long you begin scratching it like crazy and then all of a sudden a hivey, rashy mess is in it’s place. I hate those mild and over top annoying irritations that arise for no reason it seems at all. If the key to a better life is by getting a little more sleep. I guess truly I have nothing to lose, nothing it seems will ever keep.

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