May Delete Later

This hurts alot more than it should.  At least alot more than I care to admit. If I don’t get these feelings out of me it is going to eat me up alive. Did you ever wonder what it would feel like if nobody loved you, recognized you, cared for you or even appreciated if you were around. This has become my living nightmare as I transition through day to day. I heard the same words uttered by my Mother in Law, it made me realize I am not prepared to live the same life she did. Always being put last why another squanders away your life and precious time. It is so much more than hearing that I am worthless, worthy of nothing, that I am a physcopath abd a bad mother. Whatever it is I like to do to feel like I have accomplished anything in the day is reduced to ashes up and smoke. Imagine your very being squashed by a man who promised you a life and now wishes nothing of the sort. I have no help. It is a constant reminder I am better off alone because there’s no one listening. I am alone once again.

Did you ever have those peak their noses in then they quickly turn their faces away? This is what makes me want to cower, want to wither, want me to disappear into the sky. Karma knew what they were doing when they gave me a son. He is the reason I try so hard, why I keep breathing, why I keep living this lie. Like a cancer though his poison threatens to consume me I just need to know why! I can not say sorry enough for this hell I am now in. I run alone. No life partner, no companion, no friend. Tell my girlfriends it’s nothing personal but that desire to want to be loved by another is slowly fading. It’s going away. I am so tired of waking up. To this nightmare. To how I am never enough. Why am I here to have this happen? It doesn’t make any sense. To have it happen over and over again. Am I that bad? Am I to blame? I am living so broken and I am going insane.

I couldn’t even imagine going back on Facebook. My poor mental mind. I keep insta to give me purpose because if you ask my 3 year old well, he is always screaming in my face. Too tired to care anymore, maybe in some ways I still do? How impossible would that be? Do I really have no self esteem? Constantly being ignored and made fun of I feel like a fool. I don’t remember signing up to be just a housewife, especially with these terms the debt is too heavy. These days I am too scared to close my eyes because it’s easier not to wake up. If I scream can you hear me? I feel like nobody can. To be stuck in the way of everybody else’s fulfilling lives where do I go to get away? My son needs me I know he does but can he replace the feelings of true intimate love? My Dad left me when it came to sharing his life with someone. Is that going to be me? Chosing a no good scoundrel to drag me down to hell with him.

I know what it feels like to cry and have no soul comfort you in the ways that are much needed. In this day and age do humans still touch each other. It has been a lifetime since I have been held by anybody I am getting tired of only hugging the trees. At least they are living and maybe Mother Nature will intervene and give me a break. How long do I stay normal for or have I already gone insane? Can someone break this curse I am in or is this just who I am? My destiny? Between the childs screams and barking dogs my head just pounds and my heart aches. I already know the answer of how much more I think I can take.

In the event that nobody notices it induces so much pain. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think? Not that and what you think it is but how when I saw those two lines I should have turned and ran away. I am tired of running. That is in fact how I found myself here. Dying amongst the living as my husband sleeps and snores. I am tired of trying to save myself as my husband goes off and lives another life. Where are my friends to laugh with and fresh air to breath? Has it been decided I don’t get any? Do I have to always be alone? Nobody told me all these years ago when I turned on you I turned on you and I am worth nothing just broken pieces laying here waiting to be fixed. Oh somebody out there complete me I have been broken for far too long.

Maybe I will delete this later no sense in prying eyes reading something that they will most likely misunderstand. I will forever being walking solo, eyes closed, open hands. I knew it was going to be impossible learning to live without you. I made it pretty far don’t you think. How I long to be loved in the ways that only you can when we are back together, safe above.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Yes Ruby, I know exactly what it feels like, when everyone tarnishes your entire being on a whim, just because they can, because no one will ever give a damn about me.

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    1. I feel so overwhelmed 💔

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  2. Ruby, you have some who Love you beyond a shadow of any doubt, while yes some are just pretenders, but for the most part Ruby, Just take the Love those who give it unconditionally and use it to keep your head above water. Those who are only pretenders will show their true colours soon enough, and then they are not worth worrying about either. You are better than the rest of us Ruby, some have no one who gives a damn about us, some one or maybe two, and some have more than a few. Take the Love, give it back in equal measure (or more) and forget and do not worry about all of the haters, abusers, those who cast you down on a whim or through their past. Only worry about those who Love is Real. For they will always be there.

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