A Death in the Family

Today of all days it had to happen today. At of 365 days it was this day that was chosen to serve as a reminder that within these family arms anything that makes me will become a burden in everybody else’s life. To be questioning what is going on in my marriage on a daily, no hourly basis. My blood pumps wildly out of furry at times feeling like it is going to explode because here as I stand I matter to nobody not one. I have had birthdays, valentine’s, the most joyous of moments turned into something grey almost not of this Earth. I have begged my husband to notice me until I was breathless. I absorb all my tears because what is even the point. I just want to scream but my throat is to raw already. Today was my anniversary but all it will forever be known to everybody as is the day you finally decided to leave.

What does that signify in my life if what was the day of our union in a wide open space. Your space. How fast time changes, can change. In a blink of an eye. One day we are all living then we line up to die. We saw it was coming though it was only a matter of time but when that final breath does happen it takes all by surprise. Whether or not it happened in the wee hours of the 12th or first thing on the 13th that leads us to the next anniversary the one on Friday 13th. I do believe in foreshadowing, almost like an ominous cloud. Now I am going to be searching for an indication of what I think I should do. Emotions are crazy. I learned that with the death of our cat. A being so simple, so small, a bundle of love wrapped in fur. The way it ended was painful. That was ripped out my heart. Injecting him with fluids through an IV it came out the other side as fast as it went in. His death was inevitable. My only regret was not being there when he made my exit. That is the same way I feel now. I am so incredibly humbled for this life that I want to absorb it all including the incredibly painful. When you have seen the other side and you are looking for reasons that connect you to stay it is only because you know what is waiting. That love that reminds you. I remember everything about my Grandmother’s like I saw them just a few years ago. That is because it happened only years ago instead of the decades. I think of them daily like no time has passed. Everything I do in this life I do to make them proud still. How silly is that? I believe that they lay opportunities in front of me and it is up to me to recognize them and let them ride.

Somebody in my family passed away today. Another inevitable blow. Just when you think you can breathe again you get punched in the stomach again and you wonder how long till you can take your next breath? When does life get easy and just a little bit good? Or is it all hard work and sacrifice with our loved ones paying the price? To get ahead in this world means I have to sacrifice our time. The time spent together before the father intervenes. There comes a disconnect at times when the transmission of power moves on to the next generation. When does one stop fighting and let the next one take over. What happens to us when they finally do? Do we get lead off to pasture or maybe sold to science or factories for glue? Of course we aren’t horses but wouldn’t it be easier if we were? Not defined by days or moments just embracing the life given to us in each day. Chances are we will never celebrate our anniversary the way I dreamed of two people being in love do. Remember what I have said before. Death to me serves as a reckoning. A chance to take a look at your life and begin to blossom and renew. This point in time, this day, this hour will never come back again. Just like the feelings between us that I thought we once shared. My honest heart questions why you even keep me around. Maybe if I ask the angels they will come and wake me, what if I don’t hear the sound. Or notice the gifts right in front of my eyes or the love that once was. Maybe that is the problem with second chances you come back a fraction of self, a former shell of a man.

It’s just another day today. Another day that somebody died. More have followed in their direction. More families are hurting just like me. When we get to that end of time when we take our last breaths it doesn’t hurt for us anymore just the ones who remain, the ones that are still living. It hurts more for them because now they live with the guilt. If only, I wish I, and a million other excuses begin to float in your head. Trying to justify your lack of presence in a well lived life. Our greatest assets and reason for being is beginning to slip right through our fingers. A passage of time that we will never be privy to understand. It takes a remarkable being to be there in the last moments of somebody’s life. A time when your presence is needed to celebrate their time. My promise I made to myself when trying to fulfill this life was to never turn my back on that passing, their moment in time. If given the opportunity to ease in their travels from this realm to the next, I would consider it a great honour to be the one to hold you in your arms and tell you goodbye. Nobody should have to leave this Earth feeling so unloved and that is what will happened if I keep on this course that I am on. I am going to use this pain to start taking more risks. Life only happens once and it is over in a blink of an eye. One year you are married the next year you die.

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