My truth is I hated myself so much that I would try to become as close to another being as possible. I wouldn’t care if they were up to no good in life or were on face track going nowhere it made the most sense to gravitate towards them and never let go. I would succomb to whoever they wanted me to be doing drugs and drinking into the wee hours of the night getting up only to go to work so I can do it all over gain. There was no value in my life I hated everything. My grandparents had both died, my Dad hated me, my sisters were off thriving in their own lives so why bring them down and my dear mom had enough of her own issues who am I to drag her any further down. I knew this circle of friends were using me and it was only a matter of time before I found myself on the streets my finger tips were raw from trying to stand on my own two feet. Maybe time has come for me lord knows I can sure use the rest.
I sure as hell bought my friends. Why else can I explain having no money. Every night a new gram or maybe even two now did my manic state bring me to others or did I stay alone with no cable just DVD’s spinning in my room. You don’t dream anymore of the future. There is no point because the outcome of how you are living is so dark there are only a few directions you can go. You can go further into your depression and addiction and hopefully death will meet you there. Is it luck that keeps you alive only to find yourself under the next trick so you can once again start looking for your next prick. Maybe all the tides will turn and you will open your eyes. How does one start over when all they want to do is survive. Some people say don’t share too much other people will judge and begin to walk away. From my experience I would rather have one authentically real connection then just a million gravitating towards their next fix. I still have dreams of drugs. Last night I dreamed until I ran out. Now I am in the wee hours of the morning craving and I don’t think that fear ever goes away.
My feed is full of so many friends losing loved ones in similar ways. We never reached them in time now the dirt is where they call home. We hate being weak and telling others where there are kinks in our structure. Think of a fight with a loved one and how dirty they will play. The fear with having a friend know all your in’s and out’s and secrets is when the love affair is over and somebody is feeling scorned that love can change in an instant and they will do whatever is necessary to settle the score. We fail to value the very sacred gift that is life. When it is all said and done and over there is no coming back. You can’t take a break today and hope the next day will be ok. When you decide to end it there is nothing more to say. The struggles we all feel are brought about because we keep running in a circle. We work to pay bills and acquire bills to work. We can’t become self sufficient because we are working ourselves to the grave. Both partners work and our family ties are being broken. Of course we believe there is somebody more suited because we spend less and less time with those that are important and trying to do all that we can. Money is tight and sacrifices have to be made then the heat gets turned on further when life passion begins to enter the game. We have to gravitate towards our truth we have to be authentic to our core. Do you know your core values or have an inkling how to find them or do you walk blindly against the shore. Close your eyes and word dump in your mind. Keep saying words over and over again until they begin to replay in your head. Is there any words that connect you to your own naked truth? Forget the opinions of others tell me what your hearts says? I love connecting with and helping people and in the right company I sure do love to talk. This world is full of so many and I want to share with as many as I can. All of our purposes are different but we are connected by this period of time. Think of this. If enough of us with like minds were connected equally there is no doubt that we can change the world. If millions of people marching in the wrong direction eventually got to have their say. Imagine what we can do if we let our confidence lead us not minding what the haters have to say.
That is what it is and that is what this is about. My naked truth is I am tired of pretending to be somebody that others have me out to be and I am definitely tired of living this corporate lie. All things will be changing in a blink of an eye. I am putting aside all my big corporate purchases for the next 6 months. Focusing on what will reward me going forward for being loyal and well informed. It is so much more than signing up to peddle a product, this is my belief, this is my life. The monetary rewards that I may obtain in doing so I am feeding back into my community. I want to love on those small business that show me love so I can help feed their souls and their communities. Why buy a cheap tawdry piece of plastic made in a factory out of China or I can purchase some lovingly formed epoxy made by a soul on fire. This is my dream and how I want to begin living my life. Feed the hearts that feed mine so we can begin to heal in the process. Until we lay down all the previous condescending notions that we carry about each other the ending will always be the same. Until we have the courage to stand naked and withstand all the rain.