There is nothing wrong in being alone. In fact that is where you should find your best company. If you don’t enjoy your own company how can you expect anybody else to? Think of what you do in your idle time. Does it nourish your being or take away from your authenticity. Are you engaging in tasks that move you further away from your being or are you being playful as you engage and explore your character. Dance like no one is watching to the music in your heart and in the first time in a long while take a deep, cleansing breath and exhale. We have all had a lot of one on one time, depending on where you reside in the world, and coming out the haze on the other side we either like who we have become or we detest our own being. Either way this is who we have defined ourselves to be. We have either grown content in living a lie or we have found a way to embrace our truth. The road may have been difficult but once out the other side things don’t seem all that bad.
When it was all happening it truly felt awful. I remember crying in the shower because I didn’t want anybody to hear my tears. My husband never seemed to be the comforting type and it would almost aggravate him more or set him off if he saw that I was upset so I learned to cry when nobody would know. Who likes to see somebody at their worst when it is somebody that you care about. In times when we need compassion the most we turn and shy away. I know that feeling of being a burden almost like you were robbing that person of valuable seconds of time. Life is so short why waste it worrying about a lady like me. I know I have been bad in the sense I don’t have a lot of pride about my past. Yes on paper it seems like I was accomplishing something but where did those degrees and diplomas really get me? A DUI from when I was 19 prevented me from getting a job at any real bank. Hence why I started at the TD in the Walmart, it was a job that really didn’t make sense. Come over here and tell me your financial struggles in front of everybody in the neighborhood. There was no privacy, no offices and when the call was made declaring the stupidity of that venture no boss to truly guide and supervisor. My manager called me the night before it was set to be released in the news. He was hammered and slurring his words. He left his Assistant Manager job at Bank of Montreal to be a manager of a sinking ship. I remember his last bit of advice. Save yourself and do what you need to do to keep your career. The gauntlet was coming and it was promising to be rather severe.
I transferred branches and moved four hours away. The boy I dated for four years chose to move back in with his momma and I was a free bird living in the big city. Sleeping alone took some time getting used to made worse by the crawlies that came alive in the night. Would you believe that the apartment next door had a cockroach infestation the likes that most exterminators had never seen. They were EVERYWHERE!! In my cupboards, underwear, bathroom…it took everything inside me not to scream. My first real adventure away from family and friends and it was not turning into my hopes and dreams. I lasted a month in the first place and I was determined not to give up. Taking my car off the road seemed to make the most sense. I lived on a bus route and could walk to the gym (which I did eventually out of boredom and to challenge myself to lose the weight.) I kept to myself for the most part. Mainly because I was still trying to make it work with my beau. In the back of my mind though I knew I always just wanted to live comfortably so I felt like I made it somehow. My Dad would always told me life got better with two incomes. Nudging me in the direction to get rid of the dead weight.
You can’t evolve into somebody if you don’t change what you have always done. Just like losing weight. If you keep on eating the exact same thing and not moving around even a little bit how can you expect the pounds to fall off. The same can be said for a winged liner or the perfectly coiffed hair. It is more than manifesting your own destiny you have to keep on doing the things that will eventually pay off. Make you a more rounded person, happier less stress. Take my violin for example as I am still learning to play. I used to play for as long as possible just because I loved the way making music sounds. My life has gotten considerably more busy if you can believe so I play for as little as I can. I still have my habits and goals that I have set for myself for each day. Reading, blogging, cleaning, momming, caring for all my pets, gardening those are usually my must to do’s. Then my in addition too’s is exercise, going live, music and countless activities I try to do each day. I find goals truly do add to your life. It stops you from letting the sadness take you too deep because there is still so much to do. What I choose to do has no affect on anybody it just increases my mood. Everything I have designed to do reminds me to take care of myself and be aware of my space. We are all entitled to a safe space, maybe that is why I find it easier to be alone. With so many people so easily offended these days it get’s rather difficult to know how to express yourself and worse yet how to talk. Everybody has something to say whether it is nice enough or not.