To Be Alone

The humblest part of this human experience is not everybody is going to like you and that is entirely ok. From as young as we can remember it was go to school and be nice and make lots of friends. That is all fine and dandy unless you are the shy kid in the room then everything seems personal. I grew up on a farm where chicken were our friends we didn’t need to find a way to communicate it just happened and it just was, now you have to add in a variety of different personalities and flavors and let the mix decide. Children can be mean but adults are meaner. Children are still trying to find out there place in world where adults have already given up and assumed. It still bothers me that some I knew from high school hate me and I have no idea why. We aren’t the same children that we were. Life showed up and got in the way. Making some of us impossibly hard and others just a mess why do I care about those opinions I guess because I know of their existence so to me I only want to see them succeed.

We need each other, we need people we need another existence to validate our own and make it so we never have to be alone. The biggest fear of getting old is having nobody but in the final years your mind will slip and all you have is your memories to comfort and guide you into the next life or whatever is lying there waiting for you to eventually find. We were supposed to all go off in different directions and not know each other’s business, well until the next grad reunion which I have never even heard of one happening. Social media has taken us to a place where life only matters from the waste down and what is captured on our camera screen. You don’t have to be anything or anyone just I nice one by one square on our instagram feed. What people predetermine about a person because who they portray themselves to be in pictures could be false or it could be true. I had to learn to love the way I look “au natural” so does that make me real or does that make me fake? I promised to do what I said I was going to do so I am bound to make the best of it. I am a believer in investing in yourself first and enjoying the journey. There is always going to be hate and there is always going to be shade making its way to you over the decades. People hate when you are successful and they have it even more when you are happy. Give it a go and you will see how many turn and walk away when they determine your mood and your persona can’t be swayed. Of course I am sad when a friendship is over because I always hoped we would dance in the after life. I always loved each person for the beautiful gift that they are to this world and only turn my back when they have made me. You can’t befriend somebody who has no interest in your existence. It doesn’t work that way. I used to believe that if only I could say one last goodbye that would for surely change their thoughts. Now I let them exit from my life gracefully and I lock the door from behind. Leaving is always your option but when you tire of the life of green on the other side and all those you left me for have now turned on you don’t expect to find me. When you left the path you had taken has overgrown and wrought over with spicey bushes and pointy rocks that will jab up inside your feet. The only way we meet up when this is all said and down is because of the mutual love and respect we had for each other while we were down here doing our living.

Our younger selves were so much easier to get along with because barely anything has ever happened to us. No heartbreaks, no abuse, no narcissistic partners. Just drinking in the bushes having good times before social media and cell phones. I lost the love of my life through a lack of communication. My heart believes that if it were true eventually he may find me one day. I know what love is and I know what it feels like. I know it can change your whole life when shared with the right person. There is also something to be said to be loyal to the partner who has willingly entered into opening and sharing their whole life. Almost like when nobody else ever wanted in walked case and point. To assume that he loved me was the greatest error on my part. Of course he loved what I provided for him when nobody else would. Sure I am unhappy but I was unhappier alone. The men that I put up with in the hopes that I would finally have my family. That search for true love was finally over for me. I was tired of waiting when my block became deafening. The fear of time taking me and not allowing me the chance course through my body. What people don’t know but they just want to assume is a truly was desperate. In a sea of just chum I found the last soul survivor. At least that was what it seemed when I found somebody who so openly laid everything out on the table. He may not have been perfect and he sure does like to lie but at the end of the day he is a partner and he makes sure all the bills are paid. I am sure getting tired though because even I never imagined this. How I long to be noticed just one more time and how I would savor the feel of just one last kiss.

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