We live in a time where anything is possible and that is a real powerful statement to believe and make. Look at how far we have evolved. At times it has taken us even out of this world. All to add to our testimony that we were here at one time and we had an impact in our lives and we even did something great. It will never be lost on me how lucky I am to be here and a part of this experience. Where my Grandfather’s wedding pictures will forever be captured in black and white my children can experience their special day in 4D without even a guest in attendance or a rain cloud in sight. Virtual living makes it so we will forever remember our life lived behind rose coloured glasses instead of the actual lives we live in real time.
I think too much. I over analyze whatever thought is in my mind in that moment and I will distort it until it no longer makes sense. When I think about so many people losing their lives, and for no reason I might add, before they even got to experience the beauty of living or having their dreams come to life it makes me believe even harder in what it is I must do. I don’t want to waste my life when others were so hopeful. Doesn’t that seem absolutely ridiculous when you think about it. I don’t like my appearance I live in a time when I can change it. I can cut and dye my hair, tatty up my skin to hide my scars, I can pierce and brand my body till my hearts content because that is what was rewarded to me by my ancestors laying down their lives for my freedom and sins. I could have lived my own dreams but I was to scared to dream them. Wasting away the days until I am finally free. Looking at a picture taken on most people’s happiest day then looking at them now in all the ways that life has stolen from them. A husband no longer. Children who don’t care. Smiles that are forever covered under ashes from all the longing and sorrow because we were to afraid to raise our heads. Do you know the direction you are going if you were to close your eyes? The pull of where tomorrow is heading versus where you finally decide. When the breath is removed from the body where do you go? That picture from forty years ago will always just get to me. Everybody in attendance was so beautiful but you were the most, smiling from ear to ear as you were reunited with your lost love. When I think about that day when you were finally brought back together till now where he is 6 feet under. How I wish my love for you could make a difference but I know that it will never compare. The fear that you must have that he has made his way to his first wife and will never find you when you go. What makes me feel broken is knowing I can’t help, there is nothing to say, no way to hold you so that it will ever be ok. I couldn’t imagine looking down the barrel of my life at 80 but you were once me so happy and carefree now look at you old and broken. I still love you, I still care. I wonder how much longer we have before it falls on deaf ears.
Visit often. When will you come back. All cries from our elderly that are growing unanswered in these unprecedented times. Too grow old during a pandemic I can only imagine. The missed hugs and visits and teas and cakes, all those moments robbed from us that we will never get back. When a person dies they are forever moved from our present state. Only their shadows and whisper linger like they are trying to tell us something. When our whole lives get reduced to boxes and glares we forget that those most broken have to go on living. Nickel and diming their most cherished possession. A life that they built with, now their partner is down under. My soul is so sad watching this barbaric display. Weren’t you once children who only care was to play. To watch what people do while they are hurting to try and ruin another is appalling. Does money really soothe your wounds? All these prized possessions of a life well lived mean nothing now. Where once you were the life of the party you now rest underground. At times I want to come and shake you just so we can share a smile one last time. I knew that this was going to happen. It always seems to go this way. Those who make the biggest impact in your life always slip away into the night. The real heros that we find ourselves rubbing shoulders with would never display their generosity. Those are the ones the world misses when their light finally goes out at night.
So does it matter how we see ourselves or the image that we decide that we want to display? Maybe we believe in magic to help bring on a brighter day, maybe it doesn’t matter what we do in our day because at the end of it it is us that needs to be accountable for what we have done. You can go to sleep with a clean house or you can leave the leftovers out for a second night for the roaches to claim over night. What I do has no impact on anybody else in this world and living was designed that way. Sure we thrive better under certain conditions but who are we to impose a set of standards that will not have an impact on our lives and even if it did does it even matter. The way that I decide to live my life in the image that sets my soul on fire should not be offensive to you if you were doing the same. A person who does something with pure intentions does not need a witness to the said event occurring. When it is all said and done nothing really matters so why do we torture ourselves believing anything but. Live in the image that pleases you that is not offensive to that and give yourself a break from the expectations of others. In the end nothing matters so live like there is no tomorrow, because tomorrow will never come.