An empath is someone who is so connected to the Universe that they feel everything. The feel the ultimate highs and devestating lows. Not just for them and their immediate surroundings but for every living being. My mom saw it in me growing up. I was destined to live a life of so much pain and sorrow but I was ready to take it all on to alleviate the pain.
I cry a lot. Not while people can notice but no one is around and it’s just me. I mourn for my Dad. Although he is living I will never hug him again. I cry for my best friend and I blame myself for the distance between us. Allowing myself to get pregnant as a girl made this huge divide between us. I was damaged, used, disgusting. I was a slut in the eyes of many and I pretty sure I saw it in my Dad’s eyes. Summer is hard for me. It was our time. When I close my eyes and feel the sun on my face and smell the fresh air I expect to see my Dad standing across from me waiting to catch the ball.
All my friends that have crossed over I bring them to life throughout their day. I think about them and their families and my heart hurt just a little. I need to believe they are still there waiting on the other side for me. What do you feel about those lost when you think about them? Do you get mad? Do you feel cheated? Do you blame the whole world from stealing from you and more? These one dimensional thought patterns are part of the problem. People don’t leave because they want to. They leave because they have no choice and it is there time. Sure life begins on chance but there is no escaping the enivitable.
We were all children once deserving of love until somebody made us believe otherwise. The system we have in place doesn’t work. It always fails us. How do we fix a system that doesn’t work to have it make sense to more than a select few. What I know for sure these days is my soul is hurting. I still show up and happily participate but I am scared and I am sad. This push in my life started with the loss of two important people in my life. My oh so sweet childhood friend that still reduces me to tears. My Step Dad’s Mother. When I close her eyes I still hear here kitten heals waiting for her to get on her tiptoes to give me a hug. If I knew that she would be gone in a short few weeks after the last time I saw her I would put her in my pocket though and run away. It’s hard to breathe thinking how I never thought the basic rights of being human was to be given a chance to grieve. Within hours of their great departure I was made aware and my healing began. How do you heal what ails you when you have no idea what ever happened. Human beings go missing everyday. Erased from this life process and it happens quicker than blinking an eye. Yes there is nothing we can do for those that have languished. What can we say or do now that it has been done? In a conversation with another it was said to just leave it alone the past needs to lay where it lies. How can I just move on like a tragic event never happened? That denies the theory that we are all connected as one. That is what some believe that when we die we return to the Earth so new life can start and be reborn. New life that replenishes our ecosystem transitioning while nourishing another being. If we are all connected spiritually then why do some not feel this pain? It’s like I still can’t get over certain passings, I always hold onto something that they had once touched. My friend said I was insane but I like to feel connected. Through ashes blown in glass, the last beer a friend brought to a party or even the towel that laid at your dying feet. When all that was said and done I still want to remember you and it helps having something they once touched. That is who I am and that is how I feel I don’t need it to make sense to anybody else. Watching a child pack up “important” boxes of a deceased loved ones stuff I am horrified. I want to scream what about this or that!! And don’t forget these. These treasures and memories mean nothing, Nothing to anyone anymore. Like the turned down wedding picture at the widow’s bedside or how my Auntie told me all that my Grandpa had when he left this world was just one suitcase nothing more. See for those left in age, lost relatives come in droves acting like locusts devouring anything that they are able to in their path. Not seeing memories but dollar and cents they pick over what is valuable and discard the rest.
This is when breathing starts getting hard if I think about all these things way too much. My Aunt even said what is previous to me is garbage to another who on Earth would want to have my old stuff. Exclaiming she lived with her stuff for years so it’s special to her but nobody else would ever see it that way. She has pots and pans and dishes but so do we, so do they so off to the mission they go. My heart rips out of my chest at the thought of her possessions going to live with somebody else. She even has these Canadian Geese that she painted lovingly and they now sit at her door. Who would want these she asked me and I told her I would love them. They are welcome to hang out in my garden anytime. I guess she is considering because she asked me to send her pictures of my garden. I feel way too much and that’s what drove me to drugs and just needing to feel numb for just a little bit. The problem with an empath is we are to busy feeling others energies and then all of a sudden it is ours being ignored. I just want to live happy enjoying my family and friends. Is that too much to ask in this world, I think sometimes it is.