“Leave a mess so your wife has something to do the next day so she doesn’t get bored.” Is just some of the witty comments that I get to deal with on the day to day basis. A union between two people can be sheer bliss, a matter of convenience or some other combination of feelings that are only between the two to understand. Marriage is a struggle. There is no true way of knowing how the other person ticks. Even when you think you have figured them out they are just a mid life crisis away from surprising you.
We run on instinct. Always have, always will. We gravitate towards people that make us feel good and resist those that are out to harm us. Blessed are we to live in a time where we can escape those that wish to do us harm. We aren’t confined to our homestead’s in the middle of nowhere where the closest neighbour is half a day a way by horseback. A knock in the middle of the night back then was usually from a wayward stranger and now it would be from the RCMP. We don’t leave our houses that much anymore yet everybody knows our business. Imagine a time when we weren’t up each others backside and how less neurotic we would all be. The constant competition between each other makes it so I can’t breathe. So I don’t. Not in this World anyways, I breathe life into the next. I prepare myself for a love that is not coming to me during my stay this time around. I have slowly began to accept that I am here to be a mom and to be the best woman I can grow into being. It isn’t about being loved anymore or desired like an old time Hollywood starlette, I am a mother of this incredible little being and he has opened my eyes to a world I have never seen before. Yes sex and lust are glorious things but they always tend to get in the way. Now I spend my time being, absorbing, living. For everything that I have been in this life it is being his mom I loved best.
His chubby little fingers and inquisitive eyes make me long for an Earth more loving and giving. I read EVERYTHING, everything. I search for answers I know I will never find. The only meaning to life that matters is the one in which you define yours. One day when all this is over do you think back and sigh or do your tears well up with emotion and you begin to cry. Good or bad whatever that feeling is we all breathe air for such a short time and not too many of us are made aware of when the life that we have come to know may no longer exist. The people that we once were friends with are now strangers because they refuse to understand. What drove me to want to leave my hometown is the very reasons why some in fact chose to say. I am not for the busy energy for the city or I am in tune with the small town mentality or thinking. I work better when I am alone and I can’t even begin to explain it. It is nice to have a partner who is very inattentive and shows me no need. Yes sometimes he responds very short and I am surprised my eyes aren’t locked in complete roll around but he provides for us in ways that not many care to. Yes in one sense my emotional and physical needs are not met but I am not ready yet either. I am far from loving myself. There is damage though that is being done and I try to get him to see it and yes I throw daggers just as quick but in some senses I don’t give a damn. It is not that I am anxious or angry or scorned I am just taking life in I am set to observe and absorb.
The closer I get to know myself and love who I am on the inside and the out, the good, bad and the dirty I am still always going to be and it is not up to other’s to decide or to see. I have been hurt but that pain doesn’t define me. Just like I have been obnoxious but that quality doesn’t bind me. I can move towards the energy that most resembles who it is that I am and within that sphere of knowing I will become all that I can. Becoming fully aware of the colours that you enjoy, the love that leads you and everything in between that is desiring to meet you, you become one with the Universe that is very hard to explain. My heartbeat matches the rhythm of the life that is in the room. It is in meeting in the middle and enjoying the same frequency that we become one and we can begin to conquer the World. You can feel the peaceful transfer of energy as two patters sync into one and all that has been unknown between the two is now shared. You have to go back to the simplest of heartbeats that began in the dirt. Where innocent blood was shed and secrets long covered up heart break will always continue to feed into the next generation. We have long conditioned ourselves to believe that we can put a value on life and make those who don’t add up suffer because of this. We were created equal but we are divided by our differences and no amount of war will ever stop this. Nobody will happy because somebody always loses that is what happens when two polar worlds begin to collide. One day none of this matter and that it will make sense it is not till then that things for the better will begin to change.