I look for it in everybody. Yet it is something I have only experienced once. That magical time you find yourself in the company of a star crossed soul you were destined to meet. In their company you can be anybody and you can achieve anything because it is in having them close that you finally feel complete. The reality that I am speaking of that once experienced there is no way for either of you to find your way back.
I had no idea of knowing that you had already made steps to ignite your inner beast. I oftened wondered if we connected that night if it would have stopped that night from ever happening. Looking back now you were just testing me to see how much violence I could actually stomach and even handled. Drugs, violence, crime go readily hand and hand. I have no idea how close I was becoming to being 6 feet under. From the headlines its easy to dissect what happened then your haunted words ring inside my hears. The disgust I feel in knowing I was head over heels in love with a monster for all these years. At the time it was all happening I was sitting on top of the fence you held your hand outstretched to me promising drugs, good times and sex. I refused the taxi you sent to me and went back to bed. I had a dead end job to go to, I chose a future over you.
So there it is my final confession. I had fallen for a murderer. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. All I know for sure it was something in the way he looked at me. The way he would look at me and make me feel like the most incredible woman in the world (except for his mom she ruled supreme). Hours felt like minutes and time would stand still with little to no words exchanged between us. I had no idea of knowing what demons he was hiding because all I could feel was the part of him that recognized me. The way he looked at me told me we had done this dance before and I always longed that another would recognize me.
The distance grew between us as his addiction took over, how else do you stop the voices taking over and driving you insane. I still had no idea what was happening and all I knew for certain is how I felt when I was with him and how he would do anything to keep him away. See when it comes to real gangsters they keep those they love far away from the violence because when it comes to this type of crime everybody and anybody is fair game. One of the last conversations before he got locked away is how he wished things were different and that he was going to be gone a very long time. He has always disappeared, that is what addicts do but the flame that I have for him still burns on.
When you feel such an intense, electricity between another living being having mediocre just makes everything else seems dull. I don’t think I have ever felt that way about another being. It was so much more than feelings of love. It was more like, “oh there you are, I have been searching for you.” Then two worlds collide. I like to think my angels knew to keep us far apart forever. At least that is what a physcic said, an army of angels protecting. I think there are so many because I keep them all close on the day to day. Sure it hurts that they are gone but they live on in my memories. I honour them and they look out for me in ways that only angels could.
So I search. I put down my walls as far down as I can, scar tissue prevents them from going all the way. Once you feel that type of connection you are eager to see if there are more. A soul that recognizes you after all this time and knows you by being, there is nothing more powerful to experience. I think that is what makes this part of the journey exciting and exhilirating as I prepare for all the possibilities that will arise as I give myself up to the world. Dreams become reality and reality becomes dreams depending on how real you become. Lay out all your truths so they no longer haunt you for we all are just human after all.