I cry when no one is looking. I fall to pieces when nobody is around. For a long time a fixated on the holes that were missing convinced in order to feel good somebody had to feel bad. I have used the melancolny to comfort me in ways that no other can over understand. If I take on your pain it is so you don’t have to. It’s ok I have felt the fire of hell and I believe I am capable of making my way back. See I sacrificed my first born for this life so what moves inside me is something you will never fully understand or absorb.
At a young age death came for me. Well not directly but he came to teach me a valuable lesson. At anytime he can take anybody, he doesn’t need a reason to show his scorn. I remember at Athletic day in junior high and there was way more cheering than normal. They were cheering for a boy in their grade (Emmaneul) who was just diagnosed with leukemia. He wasn’t in attendance as his chemotherapy had started. We cheered in every event that he would normally dominate in. As children we are filled with so much hope that we never fully understand death. That same year my Grandma was diagnosed with a brain tumor and survived. That’s what humans do right adapt and survive? Not that summer. Not back then. And not in that way. Death used to come for us and it was unforgiving now we prolong the inevitable for as long as we can.
My Grandmother survived but that child succoumbed to his cancer. He would always be shorted by the time he spent here. Leaving behind a small family his siblings would rise out from underneath the shadows and be a force to tangle with in this world. You may not believe the drive that a heart break can bring but I remember his siblings. I may not remember him as much as he was two years older but I am remember his spirit and light and that was almost 30 years ago. How can we forget the blessings of life that dared to come to life even if it was for a short time. Ask anybody. Ask everybody. If given the chance of one more hour of life you would make sure you surrounded yourself with those you love and more.
My goal going forward is to stop wasting time on those that can’t even find a free second for me. I have been guilty of being that friend. I am guilty of believing I had more time. Hell when I saw his text just wanting to chat I tucked my phone back in my bag. I scream and cry his name in vain and it has been over 5 years. You can’t apologize to deaf ears they can’t hear my sad song. Now if I believe that you are forever gone I will crumble to a million pieces. Meet me at the swings at recess so I can watch you fly in the sky one more time. I see you hanging from the top of the monkey bars without a care in the world. I am sorry I didn’t answer you. Please forgive me I wasn’t me. You saw me as your friend again running in the playground I saw you too. You filled me with so much hope again I was so excited to see you, then you died. I want to ask you to watch over me but your family needs you more than I do.
Is it weird I feel more connected to people after they pass? Almost like I sympathisize with them and their journey and their story I try to understand. Life is a blessing granted to us for no reason and this journey in life is the best we can hope for. What others chose to do to some is horrendous. Imagine the pompus air that surrounds those as they lower down their iron fist and vie for complete control. What made a mind distort and make them believe that their life is worth way more than another. We do need to fear China, not the people but how the country is ran. Their citizens are conditioned to be the best that they can be. Through education and practical application they have a drive that can’t be beat. There you always knew their government was a tyrant at least they never lied to their people after murdering them and covering them all up.
All death is usually in vain because there was always one last goal we have wanted to achieve. There were fences to mend and wrongs to make right, all those little worries that keep you awake at night. Strange things happen and there will be questions forever left answered. A workshop once lit now resting under dust for the Earth to recover. Where once you once walked there is nothing but air, I wonder if I run fast enough if I can forget any of this happened but all I do is stare. Please tell me where you went and if you are ok. I look for your face in the light and in the shadows in any form so I can find a way to forgive myself for all the things I did not say.
The school bell rang again won’t you come inside? Our school is grown over now but I will meet you in the center where all the cool kids used to go. Please come and take my hand as I open up the door. I am sorry my friendship failed you how I wonder if you understand and if you are ok. Nobody can ever hurt you now and this I know for sure. I think of you daily it seems and the not so little girl you left behind. My heart stops beating when I think of your last days here on Earth. I couldn’t come and see you and give you one last hug goodbye. Life had me working 3 jobs I was holding on till the day you made your way back to me. How I wish we had that chance to meet and become more than childhood friends and share our stories throughout the years. Now the most dominant memory I have of you is the one that reduces me to tears. We are swinging on the playground try to get the swing to swing around. You pump your legs so hard that eventually your swing becomes even with the bar. As I hold my breath and watch you, you leave your seat and take flight. Like an angel returning to the Heavens, all I see is your light. How I wish I could fly one more time with you and tell you how sorry I am. I am sorry I failed you and your life was taken to soon. My heart won’t forget you. We will always have recess and you can meet me at the swings, ontop of the monkey bars where the lonely ol bluebird sings.