We weren’t born to please anybody else but here we are doing just that. We tiptoe around the truth and find solace telling a version of it that will get us more likes than peace of mind. We become something nobody recognizes, worse off we have become a stranger to ourselves. I have always stood strong in my convictions. My truth and my story I will use it to set me free and in the hopes to do the same for others. My body is mine alone, free to express myself as I chose, open to ridicule and disrespect. In doing so I expose the insecurities of the world as we are made aware of others faults through their taunts and unkind words.

We have all held somebody so high in our thoughts that their approval and respect means everything in the World. You move differently knowing they are there. You take their words to heart valuing who they have become more over who you truly are. You want to be validated by them like only they hold the key to your happiness. Girls flock to them out of this desire to be accepted into their crowd but nobody can look through rose coloured glasses. At least not forever anyways. Bad friends are like that heat rash that never goes away, especially in the summer. You scratch and it gets worse. You toss and turn, losing sleep and sanity trying to find the right concoction to ease their irritation and give you at least one peaceful nights sleep. Now let me tell you this in terms you can relate to and understand. Just like Rachel did in Friends you need to pull that band aide off and quit. You need to put up all the barricades to ensure that you keep that person and bay and while you are at it block off their strays. Their are billions of people with that you can find your vibe with so there is no sense in squabbling over misplaced content and a little bit of rage. Isn’t it infuriating when they keep you on the outskirts looking in? Real friends support your causes, your dreams and your just overall crazy thoughts. One true friend to help you in trying times is worth way more than a hundred friends waiting on the shore. I whine about authenticity, connecting and I also whine about being told. What I know 1000% is real friends are worth their weight in gold. It’s like they say time doesn’t matter and you never have to watch your back. I will burn more bridges if it means keeping my real friends in tact.

What is great about being in control of when you set that match down to ignite, is that once it becomes an inferno there is not a chance of reconciliation not now or any other night. “Friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Which makes the most sense don’t you think? Through this time in quarantine I realize that most of my friends were seasonal. Not much substance just this superficial overcoat to make the hot summer months not seem so grey. Truth be told the Pin-Up season is only as long as the old school cars are out. Outside of that there wasn’t too much in common. The night life wasn’t for me because I have two party modes, sober and blacked out drunk. There is no place for me in that scene. My demons always looked for an opportunity to carry me away. In the land where humans need to medicate with substances such as alcohol I guess my husband found me at just the right time. I am a firm believer that if you do what you have always done nothing will ever, ever improve. I think that is why I took the nudge into becoming a Beauty Guide and I have become borderline obsessed with improving my life since then. I am careful in the direction that I decide to go in because I know that I have never felt so free. The smoke from all the fires have long been carried out by the wind and what is left in all the aftermath is a calm, serenity rising from deep within. You see I don’t hesitate when severing all ties. If you did something shady, and worse yet gathered up all your friends and made them into my foes, it is only a matter of time. See Mother Nature will reject you because you have turned rotten on the inside. It is only a matter of time before the dark clouds above you finally open up and let down their rain. I think that is what should be coming for all the poison you spread around enforcing your way. Pure intentions are felt and it is more than that disingenuous smile you chose to put on display. It is the way you try to capitalize on others to keep them around you and make them stay.

Everyday I put my hands and dirt and feel the vibrations from the purr of one of my many cats. I allow the sun to warm my skin and feel the soft wind moving my hair and caressing my back. For the first time in my life I have watched life thrive around me. Life that thrives around me because of something I have done. The house I keep clean or the plants I fertilize and water. Everything in my family is connected now so I ensure the roots have a strong hold. Re creating my space to remind me of the heart of a child, I give thanks to the Universe around me and the sacrifices that were made to ensure it all possible. I was guided before but now I walk free. Away from the side way glances of others that don’t want to understand me. My life I know was given to me by chance but inside me is something powerful begging to learn that last dance. It is not enough for me to walk happily alone so my energy begins to shift and search for another who is hurting. The discontent of another can be felt by so many; however we are too concerned with popularity to stand outside the sidelines and pick up the broken, fallen and unsteady. Once I see you for who you truly are I have no problem pouring the gasoline. You see I know you are capable of setting off that fatal spark. It is why I sit here alone waiting for others in the dark.