Strap in and enjoy the ride. You aren’t getting out of here alive. Chances are your ride and die of yesterday are strangers to you in the here and now. Thats the new age reality. We don’t live out the years with the same people. At least that is what it is like for me. It was like once I left the security of a small town that was when the real ride began.

As a young girl I remember the flyers being handed out about a missing boy. His remains to be found later in the woods by the water. I tried to look up the details but try googling 80s murder Fruitvale, BC and not much shows up. He was lured their by an older boy, maybe 2. The murderer said it was a fishing accident but rumour was it was for thrills. In small towns things like that didn’t happen. The hills have eyes and they all have neighbors. If you did something bad your parents knew about it before going home. Tried to buy cigarettes. I am going to talk to your Dad. Get caught speeding. I will talk to your Dad at curling. And heaven forbid you threw a party when your parents were away without your Aunts and Uncles crashing it. Small towns.

There’s the fear of the unknown that comes when leaving your family and friends. You put the blinders on and stay focused as you try to only go from point A to Z. They say your life long, forever friends you meet in College. What happens when your College bestie gets her head cut off in front of her son? Did high school prepare you for that pain of not saving your friend from Domestic Abuse? Is there anything that can prepare you for finding her remains in a carpet, her carpet? Please somebody wake her up! We were supposed to go to Mexico. My finger still has the scar. Is it my fault for not fighting for you? When did life get so dark?

I needed to run until my lungs were on fire so I could feel something, anything this seemed anything but fair. My plan was to run until my demons went away. Then they caught up to me running right on that high school track. Ruby stop! Stop! You don’t understand! Your Grandma is dead Ruby! I fell onto my knees with my head into my hands and exclaimed my poor mom. As I ran home to call her my boyfriend waa screaming at me its not what you think! It’s not who you think! Stop running, come back! I froze. My heart stopped. What was I hearing? Was my Grandma gone or not? She’s gone Ruby but not the one you think. The other Grandma, the one who is as strong as an ox and as healthy as a horse, Ruby. Your other Grandma she is the one who died. What the hell are you talking about? Strap in Ruby wait till you feel this ride!!

They don’t teach you how to think or how to feel when you call your Grandfather, your hero, to say your sorry that he is a widow. He recognizes your voice but the tricks begin it is how he copes with his loss. What I am about to become comfortable with is loving a man who doesn’t recognize me for 7 long years as his dementia takes over, his mind is lost and his madness finally wins. In my head I still hear his voice and inside it is ringing, “how can you ever love a dirty ol man like me.” I remember saying, “oh, Grandpa  you aren’t dirty you are my Grandfather don’t ever leave me.” Then he did. My hero, gone. Succombed to his pain from being seperated from his wife. But his words lived on and the roller coaster came. Aren’t I getting too old to keep playing these games?

When it came, it hit hard and it showed no mercy with the patriach gone. The accusations flew breaking my heart and the beginnings of my sanity in the process. They came from my sister. She said you knew he touched us, he even touched you why would you cover up for that dirty, old man. You see without that cover up my dreams all die, the man, the myth, the legend the lie. Is that why my Dad speaks poorly of my Grandparents? Is it because he saw something? Does he hate me because I was too young to remember or even understand. Maybe don’t buckle me up this time. If there’s a heaven take me to a place where I can understand. You keep taking everything away from me. Making me depressed and lonely. This can’t be living please help me understand!

You see alcohol became my BFF and I would party away the pain. There was handling your alcohol then there was me party level expert. There wasn’t a shot I couldn’t handle or a bar I couldn’t close down. I was on a first name basis was my demons and they would all come out to play. The night I was roofied in a popular downtown bar they didn’t expect the cameras to catch them, from almost every angle. And I mean EVERY! I ordered 4 shots of patron for my friends bday and you see the one arm shoot from the one side. The guy taps me on the shoulder so I swung around and another dude out of nowhere swooped right in and plopped, plopped, fizzed, fizzed in all 4 of them no joke. To ensure I downed them fast. He and his friends made grabs for the shoots which made me and my friend dive right in. Then they waited. As the blackout occurred three men now ushered in behind me and tried to throw me in a cab. What they didn’t expect was my other friends saw this from happening and stopped them from taking me. They had my phone which was the original lure so how did I end up in a pool of blood? Drugs have a way of over taking you and there isn’t always safety in friends because it is always somebody else that you know that has bad stuff happened until it eventually happens to you. Being drugged I just friend shifted and ended up getting tossed up at a well known drug dealer’s house. You could ask how I know for certain but here’s how it happened. Unbelievable really when I begin to think. See the reason that club was heavily recorded was there was a serial rapist working the club scene at that time. What they got was more than expected when somebody they had been working a case on left his DNA and neck imprint on my neck. In order to immobilize me he tried to bite through my neck and they matched up his bite mark with his teeth. See what they don’t tell you Sweet Ruby is sometimes when you go fishing miss you bite off way more than you can chew. They caught a monster yes but not the one they were looking for and they were prepared to use me and my family up as bait. Not today maestro, not in this lifetime. I have already lived through the horrific aftermath of what he and his people can do.

Don’t trust lust over loyalty because you will pay the ultimate price. It is easy to spot those. Easily manipulated, standoffish kick those eyesores to the curb. You got to pick in the ones who strap in beside you because it is in these gems you will find your ride or die!