In the wee hours of the morning my life changed in a way that was finally catastrophic. I lay amongst the shards of my life and wonder they haven’t pierced anything life threatening. I look at my sweet little cherub of my angelic lil baby and thank the stars for the beautiful gift in which they gave me. I love him endlessly. He isn’t the problem but when I look at the other half it took to make him I can’t decide of the irony that has bestowed me after all.
This morning I awoke, I couldn’t breathe. The weight of what happened threatening to over take me. Today was the day I broke the camel’s. 42 years of faking it till I made it and today is the day I can’t even rise myself out of bed. It’s not that I want to die. I am just tired and scared. The eggshells I walk on have made me so raw that I am forced to whimper when I move. Every morning I would pump myseld up with you. You can do this!! You are worth it! Prove to your son that you can too! I am mentally unwell. I tread on borrowed time. They are closing in on me. I think I have almost run out of time.
What seems most common and logical and just good basic sense I get laughed at and ridiculed. I am so over it, I am tired of cheering, I am tired of walking away when his rage gets the best of him and I am forced to walk away from this life. Last night wasn’t a worthless, this is my house, good luck taking anything. It was a fake phone call where I was forced to listen to his lies. For this first time I felt stuck with what I witness he truly was. I got scared as I frantically tried to barricade him away from me but I could still here him whispering, “come to daddy baby, mommy isn’t well. The cops are coming to take mommy away.” All I wanted was a partner, somebody to share my life with now I see the game. You have always plotted against me now you are taking me away.
I am so tired of being filled with hope and having it dashed away. To fill yourself with life and hope, to try and encourage others to see life the way that you do. But they could never. They don’t like it we are conditioned to have it all your way. I try so hard and believe so much that I guess I am just a loser, at least that is what most say. I stand up for others but no one stands for me. Maybe it’s me who see through the cracked facade. Good people don’t chose to ignore or light up another’s feeling. How I wish my intuition could be wrong for once I am cursed by this insight.
I show up every damn day with the biggest smile no matter what. Every damn day I show up. I get called dillusional, I get called all these things that I don’t understand and run away. What kind of world allows it so I live in a time where I experience so much pain for nothing? It doesn’t make any sense!! A girl was forced to live for 2 WHOLE years behind a wall with her family because that’s how much they wanted to survive. She had to fall in love with what was available because the only time she would feel outside was from the crack of the window or when she was carted off to die!! The whole world was made aware of this carnage, their shoes became their final display. This is who we chose to be as humans I can’t get passed the man who turned on the gas. That was war. Their lives became the epitome proceeds of crime. I guess its how I can be unloved in this life at least I am lucky to be alive.
I go to the extreme because life is the extreme and good people are increasingly impossible to find. Everybody wants to be a fly on the wall but nobody wants to be a true friend. I am tired of all the hanging arounds so let me see you to the door. There are those in life who only want to take. You see it in there life choices it is in the moves they make. We all want to be popular until we are ground into the ground. I never wanted to be popular. It’s where most of the hate resonates from. My strength came from all the nights spent at home curled in my moms rocking chaur trying to forget my pain. I remeber my first love sleeping with my best friend. I couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks. I prayed and waited for the phone to ring so he could tell me he made a mistake.
I fixate on the pain because it makes living feel obsolete. Others pain reminds me just how much worse life could have been. Yes the struggle is real. My marriage is broken, my piggy is still in the freezer, my puppy has cancer and my senior dog has one foot in the grave. There will be a time when death comes regularly until there is no more. Those days will be crippling, I have to be the strength somehow for them. Nothing reveals true friends like sharing a belief in your values, watch them all scatter around like cockroaches when the sun begins to rise and finally warms the ground. My life could always. Just ask the woman who has been widowed twice and whose children have now become the vutures that scared others off and away. Good people don’t thrive inside the shadows. They come alive with the promise of a new day. Sure your feet become tired and your ego is bruised and your heart threatens to shut down completly but today is the day your life just might change completly. Just keep your blinders on and nose down because love and faith will release. Release you from the negative intentions of those who wish to destroy you and into the arms of those whose love will heal you.