Reach for a higher state of understanding, an awareness of self. You can feel when you expose yourself in this way. It is like the Universe has her hand on your back gently guiding you to that garden of euphoria. For the first time in a long time you feel at peace with your surroundings finally feeling the joy that was meant for you. Life was for the living and it is the love that is found deep inside of you.
You never know how long you have been backed up against the wall until the support you thought you found crumbles to the Earth around you. They say Rome wasn’t built in a day but how the hell would you even know. Maybe it is one of those things that just happened that way. We are the puppets that were made by our makers with something evil playing with the strings. Imagine getting a chance to start all over again would you practice all the things that you would say? Or do you now know that getting life right means just having the courage to show up and try at all!
Circa Oct 2017 7 AM Foothills Hospital. My husband was crying and I wasn’t sure why so I rested my hands on his shoulders. The room was so bright and light as I started to drift up to the ceiling. What happened for the next 10 or so minutes I will never know until I make that final lift into the sky. When I awoke I felt the strong presence of love as my husband ran to my bedside and cried. He asked me if I knew where I was and if I knew what happened and I said of course we are in the hospital our son was born and he said no Ruby he really actually died. He hugged me and left and I looked up and my younger sister and Father in Law were standing their red eyed. We didn’t mean to alert anybody but it was the only way my Grandmother needed my attention. The path I was on needed some correcting and there was only one way she could reach me. So that is how it came to be that my son came to months early.
Lying in a hospital room you would think it would creep me out. But for the first time in 37 years I felt at peace, I felt loved and it is all because I got to hug my Grandmother. The apron she wore, the curls in hair, I even remember the scars on her finger tips from cutting pieces off of apples. If I close my eyes now she is still on her porch waiting for her boys to come home from the pasture. I am so thankful for her life and the way that she lived because she lived so selfless, so honest, so well put together. I live my life to honour her and I felt ashamed of all the ways that I potentially embarrassed her. What I know with all my heart is she always loves me even during those times when I didn’t love myself the most. I am tired of the way I know lived. Over medicated, irrational, super angry at sporadic times. Every day has become a struggle because that day I died they saw it as an opportunity to over prescribe me. I started on 150 mg dose that slowly went up and over time it grew to 300. Then there was the sleeping meds and anxiety fixes I was numb to the T and I knew it. I was a mom who wanted to get the most out of life. I had another chance now the pharmaceutical world wanted to take away all that. They always wanted my brain from a very young age being prescribed prescriptions for just having feelings. I want to have feelings we only live once how dare anybody ever try to confuse them. Feelings aren’t bad. Till they took them away now we are fearing every Tom, Dick and Harry and Sally too.
The last few years were a doctor induced haze of effexor, zoplicon and ativan. What a cocktail. What we know for sure, probably 1000% is when we try to control our feelings that is what kills you. The world that was created wasn’t designed for love, life, passion. It was designed to demoralize and confuse. So I did what I had to do. I am looking for a natural alternative because what I know for certain is modern medicine and science was made by man to heal us and that goes against what living was supposed to mean. Life ALL life in it’s entirety was created to be self sufficient and serve a purpose. EVERY life has an ultimate place in the food chain and in supply and demand. What we worship isn’t living. Not even a resemblance of life as we fascinate ourselves with technology and screens. Isn’t it odd we pay big bucks for those retreats to nature when it was in abundance to us all along. Everything is man made. Everything is a chemical. Of course our thinking has gone off the tracks. The mass quantities of meat we consume and throw away just so we can over indulge our bellies exclaiming we are the self righteous after all. What is glorious about desecrating another living thing. Treating it like it has no purpose of being. It’s like Alanis Morissette said, “An old man turns 98, he wins the lottery and dies the next day.” Our whole lives are made of these twisted ironies that make us question who we are, our identities, our worth, our everything because of some beings thousands of years ago decided that you could capitalize off of humans and work them like dogs while you sit at the peak laughing at them all. Good people do good things. Mic drop. You don’t get to turn it on and off when it ethically suits you or when there is somebody out there to impress. That is why they want to keep us numb and they will do this for as long as we will let them. For me in this moment in the here and now and after I see bad people and they profit off of others, never giving back to humanity or society. Never lifting a finger to try and end world hunger, trafficking or even feed the poor. What does this have to do with anything and where did I go! I went down this path of self discovery because I ain’t taking no more. All the lies and the betrayal is about to be found dead in the sand. At least in my world it will be that way. What about your world of thinking. Are you doing alright or can I give you a hand. What I found myself in knowing down my mental health journey is that my family doctor over prescribed by like a million. Maybe it wasn’t that she over prescribed me but she didn’t take my concerns seriously when I said I wanted to get off. Now I am exploring what an all natural existence can do for me. I am nervous with anticipation yet I am excited. To feel, explore, love again. What an ultimate feeling.