It’s only been three days! Three days! This has been over 20 years of my life but all of a sudden my husband makes it all about him. He eats more Canada than any child I have ever known so the fact he gets 2 absyss aren’t loss on me. He yells at me like a child diminishing my self worth. I have no love. No support. No friends here in this cage. Is everything is not perfectly his way we all have a price to pay. I never do anything with permission. Like a hungry mouse looking trepidly for cheese, I know there is something better out there waiting for me.
I have walked on so many egg shells they are imbedded on my feet. I let the words being said by others marinate me. I am the slut. I am poor. I am fat. I am ugly. I am ALL those things being said abour me. BUT who are THEY to speak these words to me? We care so very much about other peoples opinions of us we fail to recognize my own. Am I slut? Well maybe. Did I used to be? I don’t think so. Truth be told I had one or two I used to keep around but no committment. I wanted a familg but not all this drama case and point exactly.
Am I poor? On paper? Yes. Everything that I am and have has come from him and he doesn’t let a day go by without letting me know it. Even this morning was a prime example to stop spending his money. EVERYTHING, everything is a fight. I try to communicate and I am being rude. I ask a question and I am condescending. In how many ways can you communicate to somebody if you don’t like me for who I am? (and I know she is a hard cookie to swallow). I have always had that crazy flavour now it’s been intensified by the heat.
Am I fat? Well maybe. But by whose standards and by whose design. I gave up eating meat almost 2 years ago for ethical reasons. If you open up your eyes and heart you can hear the agonizing whines and screams of the animals sacrificed. The babies ripped away from their moms. Calves never getting the chance to use their legs to walk before they get killed. Chickens lined in one by one cages covered in feces waiting to have their necks snapped and feathers plucked before they are breaded and deep fried before ending up on their plate. If you are one of those fiends who prefers wings over drums then 12 chickens need to die for you to eat just 24 wings. Gluttony is a sin and it isn’t about being about being obese. It’s about how many animals need to die for you to be gluttonous in these massive proportions that other people starve. Over consumming in any thing is bad. Now am I fat? Maybe. Is it the anti-depressants? More than likely. If not? Oh well. My eating patterns are gained to be from more sustainable sources. Limiting those chemicals that keep us addicted and miserable.
Am I ugly? Depends on who you ask. It depends on what stories you believe about me and if you consider me a friend. I know I am not attractive to some and that will ring true for most of us. What I try to do is radiate a pure beauty from within. I try to smile when nervous and compliment another as they walk by. I desire to know more about people and find their inner beauty and help them shine. All this is so important to me but it has become more important to love myself and the child I found on the inside.
She is very scared of failing and that is what made her push away and hide. The ridicule from so called friends pushed her deeper into this chasm that she refused to let go. Peaking over the edges she can see them pointing fingers and casting blame. Maybe if I continue to hang in the darkness maybe I will forget what it feels like to hold so much shame. I wasn’t perfect but show me somebody who is. My whole life I was desperatw for love. Searching for it down at the end of every dead end street.
Now if my husband doesn’t love me where do I go from here? Pushed into the streets of lies and deception is that really all that I am? I try to not speak. I do as I am told. I learn to live and welcome the silence so I can recognize my own presence, my own voice. Maybe I am the monster keeping the others at bay. They never did nice things to me then what can I say. Watching from my tower I see in all the ways we have let corporate America run and rule this land. At times I wonder if this was all still Hitler’s plan as I watch the Nazi flag fly on a neighbours lawn. We aren’t nice people, there is ton of proof. We keep revictimizing the victims we stand in silence and change nothing, absolutely nothing. With Catholic priests in the frontline for touching our children tell me why they aren’t open to castration for an organ they are never supposed to use. If you are holy and a carrier of God’s word then prove your worth to the masses and allow castration of priests to take over the land.
I know I am bold in my thinking and even worse in my thoughts. I can feel it in the way that my neighbours keep b*tching about last nights fireworks. It’s not like there isn’t more just around the bed. DUH Stampede is back. So tell me again how we should have fireworks at a funeral? Yesterday was about genocide of our Indigenous Youth and you are mad about a firwork display? Please let me know if your child is bullied, abused or dead so I can give you the firework send off that you so eagerly demand. I see ugly people and they care only about themselves. These people make living less worthy, they desecrate on the value. I can’t change the world and it’s thinking but I can change everything about me. I honour and value the sanctity of this moment and take pride with reconnecting with Mother Nature and her Earth.