I wish I was different. I wish my mind was different. I wish I wasn’t scared of this medicinal comma I am on but I have witnessed first had what being addicted to a mind altering substance can do. The journey of having a healthy rediscovery of my mind has been put on hold to block the receptors in my brain. It’s not like the chemicals know what they are doing. They are just attaching to whatever and grabbing a hold for the ride. Life began a powerful uphill struggle with more foes then friends with every blinking eye.

Maybe I am easily irritated. Maybe it is the rest of the world that is annoying. Whatever the case I am so over the condescending attitude that most possess. Our health, our welfare not worth more than a passing thought or saving grace. I can’t be the only one sick of all the lies being pushed down our throats in order for another to capitalize and get rich. What has been implemented since the dawn of time should enhance our lives instead of making it worse. You have to step dowm from the lies that bound you and demand to live a better day.

I took a step down from the world I knew and embraced the life I wanted back. Our parents didn’t know that what they were teaching us was a form of brainwashing. Everything we have done is a pre condition for what has been laid out before. Everything that we could have possibly provided for ourselves we are told to purchase from a store. I remember the days when Grandpa would be milking Patsy (our cow), Grandma turning butter and us kids were in the chicken coop collecting eggs. Springs were spent planting gardens, late summer and fall was for harvest and October was when we would sacrifice a cow to feel our deep freezes. There was no unethical practices anywhere. Hell our cows grazed on hundred of acres and our chickens were allowed to roam free. Life back then was for the living. No 9 to 5 or 3!

Maybe that is the actual problem. The farther I get from who I was the more confused I get on who I was supposed to be. Gravitating towards the things that fill my heart and make me dance with glee I feel like I am closest to self discovery then I ever been. Before this time I find myself at I was diluting my own self worth. Saying yes to everything. Pretending to be somebody I was not to try and fit into a crowd that wasn’t going to like me anyways was exhausting. So why did I do it? Why did I care? Mainly because that is what I was told to do at a very young age. Do what it takes so people like you, you need as many people you can collect to save the day.

I bought into it all. I thought I knew the difference between quality over quantity and just because there’s a high price tag doesn’t make it high end. Most products have the same ingredients with less chemicals in the lower priced one. How has it become so common place to go mindlessly into a department store and by what is cheapest, maybe on sale. Nothing more. We are told that we must consume and use certain products in order to becoms healthy and clean. For 42 years I washed my hair with consummer driven products except for yesterday I did an all natural, botanical cleanse (
https://rubyohsosweet.com/2021/07/05/diy-siren-hair/). What was released from my scalp was disgusting. I can’t even explain. Years upon years of product build up was being washed down the drain. As it was happening it looked like chunks of my scalp were falling off. In the end though my scalp was buzzing with life. Like a grey cap of old shampoo and hairspray being lifted from my brain. Why would we use these products that contribute to our filth instead of looking for a better way? That’s the way we have been conditioned to believe but is this the way we have to behave?

With brainwashing running rampant down every dark alley how can we ever hope to find a true ally? With this obsessive need to one up each other in every possible way how can we ever find a common ground? Maybe the solution isn’t finding a common ground but in finding ourselves. Aren’t you tired of spinning your wheels just to see the little bit of hope beginning to shine through? Or do you dig deep into yourself and just listen to what others have to say?

I have questions I want to ask but I don’t want them to fall on deaf ears. Worse what if they are heard and met with ridicule and laughter. I want to know if I am loveable. Do I have any emduring qualities, a purpose, a higher power that I just don’t understand? Stripping away myself to nothing do I like who I become? Can I stand even my own company? I hear my voice is like nails on a chalkboard will I even like what I am about to hear? Or will I find tranquility in all the words and feelings left unsaid until one day I return to live amongst the dead. Except for when it comes to that time it is already too late. Do what sparks your soul a flame and dance long into the night. I see good people and most have been carried out to sea. It’s where Mother Nature runs rampant and where like minds come to be. We were all given a chance at a bountiful life. Just some operate in currency and some prefer good deeds. Wouldn’t you know that most things aren’t as they seem. The greatest love of our lives should be the reflection we see in the mirror and not what others whisper to us. It’s up to us how we feel.