I searched everywhere for it. I risked everything for it. It was the only time the pain got so great I prayed for the sweet relief of death but even he refused to take me. I was desperate to find love and be loved and I was going to sacrifice any part of me to get it. I would allow others to talk down to me, betray me, hurt others that I deeply cared for and love all to be accepted. I was doing ALL the things for others who didn’t deserve it leaving me hanging strung out in the cold when a door began to open and the warmth began to take me. I needed to find the source of this pure love and needed to do so until I found it or until the day I died.
The hardest part of this journey is the lack of authenticity that is coming our way. Everybody has a controversial opinion to spin them into the light. They say bad things about long term friends just to get a reaction or a sideways eye. This is where I find it hard to believe all the “I love you’s” and “Miss you’s” because the only purpose they serve is to catch another’s attention so you can get ready for your proverbial climb. Love doesn’t want to sit and watch another person fail. We hate the thought of those we love having to endure that kind of pain. Wouldn’t you hate to see the tears falling down the face of someone you love? I would love to term them as friends but I have seen what friends do to each other. They get mad when another is happy and especially when they have found another partner in crime a life partner to waste away the days with. They don’t want to celebrate your victories and can be found scowling from behind the side lines. I have had this happen and nothing breaks your heart faster than seeing your picture of you receiving a Runner Up trophy with the biggest grin only to see not 1, or 2, maybe even 3 BUT 4 snarling sideways grins. I see you beauties and your jealousy has runneth over. I am sorry we are unable to be “friends”.
Love makes the world go round and it is the one thing that can make it stop. We don’t like to be reminded of our failures but yet we do so non stop. Every day is a running replay of why nobody should like me and why I am better off by myself. I am numb to my emotions for the most part and then in an instant I am unraveling and falling apart. In my manic phases I don’t recognize myself all I feel is massively alone and disconnected with the world. Yet I want to feel connected. I want to feel like there is purpose to this so called life. I let Hollywood intoxicate me with the idea of finding my Knight in Shining armor and for all intents and purposes it distracted me and kept me busy for the most part but now as Father Time has started his merciless descent onto me I desire for something more.
We are born into a family that is supposed to love us but for some we aren’t so lucky to end up with something so simple like that. Babies are so sweet and precious and they depend on us. To raise them correctly and teach them all the right things. Sometimes though the love that is supposed to be poured onto this sweet little child gets misplaced and another strange addiction gets in the way. For a baby that is just learning this betrayal will end up stumping them in some way. What I believed I needed was somebody who loved me more than anything, much in the same way that I wanted to love them. I loved being in love and what you can do for others. My heart soars when I can love and spoil another in that way. Over the last 42 years I never got the love back that I so desperately craved. I questioned past break ups like they were the Holy Grail. Imagine the desperation of peeling back old loves. They are old for a reason. They hurt and broke you during a time when they needed you most. Tread lightly my friend and ensure that that dark path is for sure something you want to stray down onto. Remember the last time? Some people change, some people will never, will you?
So here I was after another row with the hubby just wondering if I am meant to be loved by another. Running through the rolodex of past deviance’s, partners, friends; could there be a potential mate to be found or was I hitting another dead end. I could fill my heart with promises of the future, something to build on my faith being restored. Or I could look for a solution much easier. Something far closer to home than I have ever mentioned, in fact it is something I am not sure I have even said. What if the love that you are so desperate to find is a lot closer than you could think? We always think about the one who got away until eventually they are caught. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to return them back to the pond in which they were found without even an after thought. Did you know we are the big fish of our dreams and when we honour that connection than life begins to feel good and reward you in ways you couldn’t even believe? You see I always believed in myself and that I was destined for bigger things. The thing with bigger things is you have to be prepared to leave your comfort zone. See I pushed my mind to ask my heart what do I do in the absence of true love? My heart laughed and laughed and once catching her breath she told me, “Honey, you are all the love that you have ever needed.” Now of course that conversation never happened but that thought process did. I need to emulate a being of love that I am even worthy of being loved by. I say my family is my everything but do I show them with my character? No. Superficial ways are way more appealing. Who needs substance and a connection with purpose and a higher state of being?
We disguise love with physical attraction thinking sex is what we need to save us. Sex is the most primal way of connecting between a girl and a boy. It was necessary in the beginning but to me now I pay no mind. Love and sex is better when it is mutually reciprocrated. Why be with someone who is using you unless you are doing the same? For me it became so intense that I can’t just lay with anybody. I am spiritually connected to the other side now so my heart won’t let me. In my anti depressant haze I see this smile that lights up a room. She moves a little differently than most with a zest for life and a pep in her step. I am mesmerized by her confidence and her desire to reconnect with Mother Nature and her roots. She is raw in her true emotions but willing to love just the same. I race towards her with open arms because I am drained from these last few years. When I reach her she dissipates but I still feel her aura fill the room. Intrigued by the intoxicating presence her life form emits I am eager to find this form again. Love presents itself in ways that we fail to understand. Our arrogance becomes the shield against others jealous rage. To fall in love with one more person in this lifetime I would have to chose myself. For it is only I that am responsible for what makes me happy. There is no one else who could ever understand.