The narcissist and their reign of terror will stop at nothing trying to get you to believe. Their value is lost on society over inflated by their own needs. Have you ever tried to converse with an ego way over inflated? Me, me, me unless they think there’s a better benefit when it comes to slandering you and keeping you awake at night. My alter ego used to love this disregard of emotions coming from every which way. If you are the Ying than I am the Yang and not necessarily in a complementary way. The only feeling I care to gravitate towards these days is self discovery. I am tired of not being comfortable in my skin and allowing others to deter me from my focus. That is what happens when you see the words being said about you. I was exposed to this before and nothing cuts deeper than a betrayal then somebody you looked down at with extremely high regard. Those that say they are sorry for the deep step and try to beg for forgiveness from nature have a lot more work than bundling up some cedar and disturbing the dead. Narcissists don’t care about their spending and the affects they have on their carbon foot print. They do what they do to be seen not felt. There are more these days hiding in the crevices than standing up tall.

Generally speaking most of us should be consumed with what we can do to make our existence feel a little bit lighter. We gravitate towards those that make us feel good and ignore others that make it all about them and get in the way. I feel stuck by the quicksand that is my family and feel like I have lost control. When my husband is angry he says these things that just turn my stomach and grate my nerves. What I hate more than anything when it comes to those trying to destroy you is they will say anything and everything to try and get in your way. They use all your worse fears and use them against you. This is the reason why I have chosen not to talk at all. I can’t confide in my husband because when he gets mad he just calls me all these names. Last night it was that I am lazy because the garbage was full. The reason why I refrain from taking the trash out (obviously I have a hankering for keeping trash around but I do on some occasions) is because that was a job that I remember my Dad always doing. I don’t know why I feel this connection to a man taking out the trash. My association with that one single chore is that a man who loves his woman doesn’t want her hands to get dirty from the garbage in that way. Hands were meant for scrubbing toilets, cleaning floors. If I do all the other things does that make me lazy?

My husband always says how lucky I am to stay home with these animals like I should be kissing his feet or something. He doesn’t understand the need for personal goals. He doesn’t understand the frustration that sets in when it takes 4 hours to write a blog piece because I am always running up and down the stairs. That no sooner as I sit down either the cats are fighting, the dogs are barking or our son is screaming for the channel to be changed. Then there is feeding and cleaning of all the animals and the house and don’t forget my garden and greenhouse. Imagine getting in trouble at 42 for wanting to take a minute in your life so you feel like you matter, so you feel like you made life count. Imagine that the person who wanted you to fail most of all was your husband and he does everything in his power to ruin your days. I see now why nobody gets this many pets. What happens when the relationship breaks down? Do we have to return them all back? My husband torments me in ways that will forever break my heart. Do I have to stay here forever or will one day grace be given?

My husband’s biggest argument these days is he is sick of supporting me and he tries to take away everything to punish me. I feel like he is trying to back me into a corner so he can unleash all my rage. He knows that I am scared of coming off all my pills. It’s incredible to me how much he badgers me. Would somebody you love do that? What I know about love and what it truly feels is you want to protect those you love and keep them safe. It will kill you when they cry. Not in my wildest dreams would I have ever punished myself in this way. My whole life I wanted to love and in some ways it works but in other ways the husband always finds his way home. When he does my heart just breaks. I wait for his tirade. I am scared of his hate. One day I hope that love outside my family will find me. Maybe I am not deserving? Maybe I am not worthy? If my journey truly is about other people should I let the narcissist go? He contradicts everything. He can’t even reap what he sows. I think that is why my journey has taken me to trying to understand the hardships and tragedy of another being. We are here to learn from each other and to make this ride the best we can. There is more than enough for all of us to shine. I just hate the heart that believes otherwise. I am not that way nor do I ever want to fall back into that display of deliberate disregard for others in my wake. I love all people till they do me wrong then I just sit back and watch the fireworks from a row farther than the very back.