Since the abuse ended and the termination of my pregnancy I have felt broken. It’s almost impossible to fit in with anybody after that. High School was painful. There are no words to explain the isolation that set in or how hard I tried to run away from everyone. It’s no wonder I gravitate towards an older guy that would pick me up on breaks and return me back just before last period ended. No wonder why I have little to no high school friends. I did everything in my power to avoid connecting with them.
College was no different. Sure I had lost the excess weight but I still was suffering personally. Enter alcoholism. I didn’t just drink. I drank to black out. I drank because I wanted to die. The pain became entirely impossible to manage. I could only see myself through the eyes of others and I hated everything I saw. Mourning the loss of my childhood was the source of great pain. I longed for somebody who wanted to grow old with me, a confidant, the perfect saint. Well perfect for me. Is it so much to ask to be understood while also managing to make me lose control?
It’s not an ego thing or vanity obsesseion that makes me live the way that I do. I love the dirt. The feeling of life. That is truly where it all begins or ends depending on which way you are looking and how far it is you have to go. “The key to a happy life is to accept you are never actually in control.” I have come to terms with this even though most around me are unable to or can not. I don’t know who that irritates most. Those who get it or those who don’t.
To live simply or to simply live have been on the forefront of many philosopher’s minds and romantic’s lips. What does that mean? Do I even consider what it implies to truly set me free and let me live? Live simply or simply live? Doesn’t it mean the same? Live simply means to not acquire too much and try to reduce your lasting imprint upon the world. Isn’t that contradictory to what the media wants us to believe? Be loud, be obnoxious, be proud! Look at where that behaviour has gotten us. Those who were vain enough to immoralize themselves to watch over all the next generations are now being reduced to rubble on the ground. We didn’t need them. We never needed them. What is most valuable in our lives can never be destroyed.
Simply live is possibly the two most powerful words when combined and used together. When used alone. Insignificant. But together. Let your mind begin to unfold. When I close my eyes and say the words, not out loud just in my mind, a wave of calm feelings wash over me. Simply live for the life that was given to you! Only go forward. Never look back. Untie the binds you think that own you for you are your own being. Nobody can possess or own you. Not even in your dreams.
I wild thought that crosses my mind is how is it that some are born entitled and others are born with nothing at all they are poorer than poor. Fate interfers with her cold callous hands and is responsible for the hate she ignites. It makes me believe if you do bad things in this life your fate becomes sealed and not the way we are used to. We always question how bad things can happen to good people and the answer is very simple and when heard it simply can’t be ignored.
Nobody is born bad. It just happens that way. When your essence comes into being and you are fully transformed it is what you do next that will manifest your destiny. What I am trying to say is maybe that child who has been neglected, beaten or bruised will be born to be the next Superstar. And their attacker maybe becomes them. Their victim, their prey. Bad things keep happening because people desire to be bad and they will do anything to maime, kill or destroy anything that defeats them. It’s just a thought I have been having trying to explain away death. To these people who impose their sick thrills onto many I shudder to think who they possibly be in the next round. And I will always stop and wonder what would have happened if they just simply lived.
Life in all it’s abundance is the best we can hope for. Like our own Garden of Eden right here coming true. Who and what validates your existence and do you recognize pure love. It’s not about sex and its physical intimacy but the soul connection that will bring both parties through. Maybe that is why our bonds are so important and how they can easily be broken. How do we know to find each other if we don’t even know how or where to start looking? You have to close your eyes and actually feel the vibrations that others make and if you fail to do so you will fail in your attempts at being real with yourself. It isn’t just a get into nature to breathe the fresh air for a bit. It is 1000 percent about getting in sync with nature before it is truly too late. You ever watch 1,000 ways to die? Well there is a million more ways just waiting for us. It is creeping up faster with every breath we take. If nothing is ever promised except for meeting up with that fate don’t you owe it to yourself to live abundant in love from every which way. every breath you take, every move you make I will be feeling you. At least I hope to get into sync with similar minds and like mind spirits who want nothing more than to just simply live.