We all want to be somebody don’t we? A version of ourselves that makes sense? A version that honours our ancestors? That piece of us that is authentic that makes us feel hole? Why do people insist on interfering instead of perfecting their own.
My focus after coming back to my body lying there on that gurney was to live better and be better. Every step forward felt like it was granted and on borrowed time. I was nasauted with the knowledge that my blood type was universal which meant I could save anybody but I couldn’t be saved. There’s a reason why Health Services kept calling at the start of the pandemic. Your life only matters because of all you can save. To save who, for what? And are you deciding who gets to meet with an early grave?
I thought I had an idea what life meant. Nobody prepares you to the idea that life is defined differently depending on the company you keep. That maybe those that you put on a pedestal only keep you around because they rule high above your head. Tell me how acceptance is supposed to feel when those you loved talked bad about you speaking so loud for everybody to hear? Even worse they were laughing about who you were to people THEY didn’t even know. People you physically spent time with, celebrated with even your families became intertwined. To read the things that were said about me reconfirmed what I had come to know. The truest love we needed to work towards was the love that was found in ourselves. I was going to find to love her so hard that everything else would begin to fade away.
I wanted to be loved so why not love myself? Why not give her everything I have because my life depended on it and now my sons. We ended up rescuing so many animals because of everybody needing to feel loved. Most of our animals were abandoned or strays and now they are the greatest loves of my lives. When I cry they come and comfort me healing my pain with their sweet purring sounds. They make me feel better and they use no words. That means love is infinite and can be found in all living things. Why not embrace those that love me endlessly become my sweet salvation here on Earth?
It’s not lost on me that I only exist because others existed. Or that others lost their lives tragically while others drift out into the setting sun with never a wayward thought. Since I was granted a second chance to walk this Earth’s surface I HAD to do everything different. I needed to be somebody that cared about others in a way that not many were used to or could never understand. I was there standing in the light but came back for so many reasons. One I was given the choice if I promised to start making changes. I showed up in ways that were so out of my comfort zone. I was flying to places all over my Country and even dared to show up State side. My goal was to connect with people on a soul baring level. I thought I was close in finding the sisterhood that my soul promised me I would meet. I did all the things they wanted then they sold me down the river. Friends have your back regardless they should know you like no other. No being should ever feel left out in the cold. That became my new mission, my passion they stir feelings inside me that will never get old.
The silence that I find myself in now keeps me peaceful, keeps me safe. No words can be used against me if no words are spoken to another being. When you feel the words of a friend slice through your sanity and rip right through your back you know you are safer with your guard up in ways that you have never been. I am fully aware now of what human beings are capable of and the groups they use to hide behind. That is the mentality of most people when their truth no longer grounds them because of loss of meaning and broken promises and hearts shattered in their wake. Most people never had the intentions to heal all they wanted to do was take. To begin on even grounds means we need to be humble in our intentions. My soul I left out for all to display because I am tired of running and I will no longer hide.
The pain that comes when you share your story and others just look at you mystified, like they can’t believe your lies. I know that pain. That pain has been with me in some way or another in every aspect of my life. I share with anybody who will listen because like those who have lost their voice you just want to be somebody. You want somebody to notice you, to walk beside you, to let you know your life was worth something because it was worth something to them. Somebody told me to be careful coming off my meds because THC induces depression. Tell me how can I not feel pain in all that I know? The last 4 years I consumed myself with other people’s pain. I became Anne Frank, Prisoner’s of War, Athenians, Scholars, Philosophers, Thomas Jefferson, Soljourner Truth, Mary Angelou and yes I even became Henrietta Lacks. I needed to know who they were and what lead to who they become. I needed to find the similarities in their lives to try and make sense of it all. Our lives are intertwined and then we become nothing for no reason? No something is at work much deeper here and it sucks all the more because I can feel it. Every fiber of my being begins to stand on edge and take notice. Are we as a race that heartless? is the almighty dollar really that more important? Than human life and love and freedom and laughter. We snuff it all without caring. We do it all without thinking. We don’t care who that somebody is that we are squashing underneath our feet. As long as it is not somebody we care about right? but what about if it were me?