Less Than Perfect

I think the biggest divide between me and my husband is where we place ourselves in the cycle of life. So many believe that they are over entitled to push their thoughts and beliefs onto others instead of enjoying their differences in silence. When the world is forced to stand by when the Monarch cries over bad press and disgruntled family members I say it is well over due. Imagine the bloodshed your forced onto all those other countries. One can say that maybe it is their demented thoughts that have taken over the Earth.

There is so much more to the world problems and it is a constant display of their perverse entitlement when the words of enlightenment are always followed by, “as instructed by the Queen’s bench.” With the allegations of the Monarch and their blatant disregard for any being with even an ounce of melanin one can easily believe that it was she that ordered the execution of all the Indigenous here on KKKanada’s soil. You throw away your grandchild because of “mixed blood” so I will never believe that you value the life of anything that is not connected to your blood line. Who needs trillions of dollars when you are a hundred years old? You could leave a lasting legacy by doing the honourable thing and disbanding the family ties that resulted in the bloodshed of so many. The monarch is the symbol of what is wrong in this time and has no use today. I have yet to see the Queen take a stance and ask for forgiveness or offer up her condolences because most tragic events happen to non Europeans. The Queen and all the lies and secrets her family has covered up and the millions of families her legacy has destroyed will forever permeate inside my brain.

This is where our fighting begins. I don’t see the world as most do and it most definitely doesn’t make sense. We could be kind and courteous to each other but it is far easier to throw stones and circumvent. What I think makes it so very cruel is in knowing that not every life is created equal but it should be. I get angry at the time I find myself in yet I don’t think I could possibly have survived back then. I am quiet but I love all living beings. My filter is gone when it comes to witnessing anybody getting hurt that I forget to watch myself and believe that whatever is happening could never happen to me. I can visualize almost anything to make it feel like I am almost there but when I open my eyes I am still me and there is no danger. Yes things are a wee bit volatile here at home but it is mostly just a self esteem issue. I get anxiety over doing the wrong things, and not in time which I believe to be a by product of long stemming emotional abuse. When you find yourself in a cycle of abuse the affects are felt long into the lonely depths of every night. The words they used to break you, you still repeat even though you don’t believe what your mind is saying and you are pretty sure that what was being said wasn’t right.

With all the emotional tension laced inside every day it is hard for me to know entirely if those are his words spoken or a long ago ex. I think the lack of intimacy should be an indication but what would I know. This is my first time being married. Almost my longest relationship ever. Usually the guy that I am dating turns into a loser and begins the world’s biggest mooch. One of my first couches still has the imprint of one of those lazy SOB’s. What is weird about social media is how we keep inside everybody’s business. My ex used to message me after he was married exclaiming his new wife wanted a threesome. Oh thank you for the consideration but when it comes to being attracted to y’all I think I would rather eat a donkey’s dinner inside a barrow in Tia Juana’s seediest district. It’s not the physical repulsion that keeps me away. It is in knowing that there are no moral’s when it comes to asking me in that way. Does everybody think that the purpose to life is to lay on your back and get your rock’s off? Ever since that baby dropped out of me there is no way I want to be intimate with just anybody.

Yes my relationship with my husband is less than perfect but with my son and all these animals this is my little piece of Heaven here on Earth. I try to make the best of things and wish that we could just learn to get along. I am just too different it seems to be loved and now I can’t help but wonder if that means that I can’t be loved by anybody. I mean my Dad doesn’t love me so that is a very strong indication of what I am saying is true. How do I find my place in the World where I am not sure where to go or even where to fit in. Anytime I feel confident something terrible comes and finds me. I guess that is why I stay to myself these days I don’t want to be the reason for anybody feeling any harm. I used to think I wanted to be noticed but I was being noticed for all the wrong things. If I was going to be hated anyways why not speak my darkness to allow for other’s to sing. I validate the lives of those that I may never know. I feel connected to them in loss and pain in a way that somebody close to losing their life can only come close to and now. When you die nothing stops. Everything keeps moving just like it was any other day. We could have used our lives to make a difference but we let our fear get in the way. My fear has never been the reason for me not to use my voice. Anytime I have used it it was to honour another’s existence because I hope to meet them one day. I wish my heart was opened sooner but to be honest it hurt like hell to get this way. To admit every fault, good or bad, every lie, spoken or felt. To stand in the filth of other’s betrayal just to guide another into the light. To the Angels that were brought to this land only to be taken far to soon I feel you. Your broken hearts, lost whispers. I will come and find you and help carry you home. Where others have promised to try and make it right I will find a way to honour you. I am sorry that you were forced into purgatory before you even knew how special you were. Before you even knew your worth.

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