I am terrified. No matter how hard I try I am always going to make mistakes. I will claw my nails into the walls in the hopes that this time I maybe worthy of being saved. The mistakes I make come frequently as my husband looks for rabid reasons to come uncunted (his word not mine).
My head swells with misinformation. Who he wants me to believe I am I not and now he has my mother on his side. I want to hate myself but don’t know how. This pain I feel means nothing in the grander scheme of things. At least what I feel is a fraction of what others have come to know. I want to be noticed but I also want to dig myself into the ground.
I can’t play these games. I can’t feel this way. Maybe I will just refuse to speak. My crime? I misunderstood the weather alert. I thought it was a text instead of a message from my app. For the last hour I have been called a liar, made to feel crazy and told I would never again see my son. Please can I run away anywhere? All I want is to be hugged tight. If I die tomorrow without ever knowing love will I finally be alright.
I have become obsessed with other people’s pain. Their suffering reminds me I am not alone. Even in death there is always comfort in knowing that one day I get to return home. I remind me I signed the deed with the devil the minute I lived and my son was born. I still maintain that his choice should have been easy if all he was going to do was hate me. At least I am in control of the hate, somewhat. It is really hard to maintain a level head of calm though when you can see the fire in his eyes and that thick sarcasm in his voice. Just like right now. He knows that I have come far too scared to say anything these days because everything I do say will be twisted and used against me. It is hard to trust somebody who holds your mental well being in the palm of your hands and they are constantly toying with it. I am ashamed that I am a “drug addict” hooked on prescriptions necessary to prove that I was going to be a good mom. Don’t EVER make the mistake of telling a nurse no matter how much you think you can trust her that you are nervous taking your 3 pound baby home. Most nurses are mothers, or at the very least love babies so if they notice even a hint of hesitation in your voice they will tell family services. Although this may feel incredibly personally you have to know that your baby does not have a voice so these incredible nurses in the NICU become our babies. They truly do try to act in the best interest of the child even though it may cause an incredible inconvenience to the family.
My point is watching him drip with this anger as he throws insult after insult I come more than aware that this is how I will always be treated here. Not even so much here but by most of my in laws. This experience has never been pleasant for me. Watching my son get used as bait as they destroy my mental mind I am trying to figure out why all this craziness or are they justified in when they say that the only crazy here is me? So now I am a filthy liar, addicted to drugs. His anger now is telling me that the cannabis I am consuming to curb my Effexor, Zoplicon and Ativan addiction is another narcotic. That me pestering him for “drugs” was no longer going to be acceptable here. That because I lied about the text message I received he needed a divorce and I was cut off from him financially. Pointing his finger in my face he lashed out at me the only thing you can buy is pull-ups as he flung one my way. I couldn’t see through the tears that were beginning to form. I frantically looked for the message to show him what I saw but I couldn’t see it. He called me pathetic for calling his family and spreading such a lie. He told me he talked to all his friends and I am the only one that got that alert. He even called Telus. He told me if I was going to lie it needed to be better. Screenshots of texts don’t have adds on the bottom are you really that stupid? I finally realized my mistake. The alert I received came through the weather app. It looked like a text but wasn’t. He said that it was a good thing that I could admit that I am a liar but it wouldn’t be saving me from getting a divorce.
The amount of self love I have to give myself is so hard to keep filling up. My eyes still burn from what happened and it is getting so hard to ignore. The only thing that is going for him is a can trust him with my son. There are so many bad people out there I don’t think I could believe anyone. I just count down the days till I can run away. I am not stupid, just stuck, I know love is not supposed to be like this. When I first got married I was so excited for all the home packed work lunches complete with love notes, a clean house, dinner on the table and snuggles and kisses before bed. I haven’t been hugged (well side hugs not included) since our wedding day. And the last kiss I remember feeling would fall into about the same. I miss laughing with someone and sharing a smile or too. I wish for a miracle but I know that is just moo. Not in my reality not even for a day. For now I will just keep on keeping to myself I truly have nothing more to say.