I imagine my life a lot differently. It’s terrifying to walk out on the edge and stare into the abyss and wonder just what if I lived my life a little differently? What if I dared to try to live my life without conventional mainstream purpose but came to accept my place in nature and in life as I come to find?
I do at times feel disoriented with every nerve ending coming to life. It is hard to decipher where this rush of feelings is coming from as I begin my descent back down to Earth. Where I find myself to be is so welcoming I can’t ignore. I broke away from the traditional set of standards that was presented to me and now I am hungry for what is possible and left in store. I want to uncover the great purpose that could have been my life. There is no way I can return to the conventional set of unrealistic life standards that have left so many of us dying and sick from our mental illnesses, cancer and so much more. I played all those games. A more than willing participant. All that ever came to me though was more gossip, betrayal and deceit. I was never going to live my life like that again. I was destined to go far forward and there is no way I would ever make my way back.
I want to be that girl I was born to be before evil made it’s way to me and gripped me in it’s embrace. There is no shame in what happened back then nor should I let that keep holding me back from beginning to fly. I have always remained hesitant because in the darkest corners of my mind I always hungered to be liked. Thinking over and over again if only I just had one. The affirmation I needed was given today and it was more than a pat on the back. The recognition that we sometimes needs is more than just saying words. Anybody can say anything that THEY think you want to hear. No lips flap faster than the ones that are trying to win you over. Slow down. Take a breath. Get to know me and your own purpose and then let’s see if our world’s should collide. Not everybody can handle the shine of another especially when we are all destined to shine so bright. Our friends are sent to enlighten our heavens when our own candle is flickering from the cold, bitter air. No journey has ever made more sense than when you have more along with you. We all need to feel that connection with this time.
The more authentic you are the more energy you are because you quit playing games with yourself and you just lay it all out. You no longer worry about the acceptance that may never come because you accepted you and that confidence is beginning to wear on. Other’s will feel that energy you exude and they will stop to notice and they will be anything but rude. When your aura is glowing is just catches the eye. It will become your source of power. You will become your own ride or die. I know it seems ridiculous with everything that is going on. And why would anybody bother trying to live a different life? I bother because I want to experience all the feelings and enjoy really good friends. Nothing feels as good to me as being able to connect with somebody one on one. Isn’t that the purpose of all of our journey’s. To interlace them to help each other so we can grown and reconnect? If something bad happens to us and it haunts us to our graves what purpose does that serve? If you share your story so that you can heal you just might prevent another from getting hurt just like you. We can rewrite anything in history if we really wanted to. Isn’t that what the settlers did when they tried to annihilate over 500 Indigenous tribes. Every God fearing human being should look at this Indigenous genocide and say, “Oh Hell no Satan!! Not today! Not Ever!!!” If you fail to see that children were murdered and prevented from learning about their truths and their family identities then I am sorry sister I don’t see how we can ever be friends. We need to heal what was stolen from this Earth no matter how long ago. These babies deserve to be driven back home.
My authenticity brings me to a place where I can not ignore these facts. I try to live my life more organically and connected because I am responsible for that. I remember when they started releasing the numbers of the Indigenous Children found at Residential Schools in some places in Canada. My first thought was to run to my Indigenous friends and give them my condolences. I wanted to learn everything possible and I wanted them to tell me where to start. I typed and retyped my messages and finally I knew what I had to do. Instead of reaching out in that way I would educate myself and change the way I felt. My ignorance of Residential Schools is my own responsibility. How would I feel if I was in mourning and somebody asked me, “eh can you recommend a book that explains more how your Grandparents were killed?” Uhmm no you jerk!! I am in pain. I am in mourning. You could have found out more details but you come to me and bug me because it’s convenient, once again oblivious to my feelings. A friend, a real ally would b responsible for putting in their own work. Do you actually love your friend and their culture or are you just paying them all lip service? That is what I have come to learn in my role with the settler mentality. How honest are you in your intentions or are you just saying what you think needs to be said. We all have it in ourselves to do the right thing. It’s just a lot easier to do what we have always done until we no longer can.