The Fear of Change

I always knew I had an expiry date. A best before recommended date before I crawl underneath most people’s skin. I don’t change who I am for anybody. Years of being misunderstood and painted in the worst light made it so I never would regret anything I would ever say again. If I said something I said it because I meant it. You will never see my back peddling or scrambling for words to make another feel more comfortable. I didn’t arrive here to make it so you have an easier time.

I hate change. Change rattles me. I can’t be around too many of one type of person or my head just feel like it will explode. So many emotions, not many are valid. It’s a wonder I find serenity closest to my home. Don’t get me wrong I cling to good people. Mainly because they have shown me the way to what it really means to be a true ride and die. Too many people rely on sex as the ultimate form of any intimacy. Keep poking away at your own psyche, no miracle has ever been performed while one was lying on their back. Miracles have been done on the one laying there but the saviour of the moment is the one who is of clear heart and free mind.

Too many in the kitchen and nothing gets done and we all end up leaving the feast with empty bellies and nothing to eat. Too many opinions will sink ships and leave the rusted decay for all the others to find. I think how opinionated I used to be and now I sit quiet. Sure I still rise to any occasion but only the ones that still move me. The nights I used to adore have now been replaced with this triggering terror. I would rather sit alone in my house with a screaming child and all the pets then listen to a gander of geese talk down about another human being. I know what it feels like to be victimized and abused. The idea that we could let another woman potentially be harmed as you laugh your way to the bank on other women’s insecurities…tsk tsk lady your time may not be renewed. How can we idolize another who got satisfaction after making a mother of two cry. Not only did you shamefully berate her you whispered and gossiped so she never stood a chance. Telling others she came only to bother you. Maybe she needed a friend to help her out of the abuse you claimed she would have received. Real women don’t capitalize off of others in this way. Our trauma isn’t for your profit.

The girl who shows up first shouldn’t be the one with the most friends. But she will be. She has to be. She will make it to be that way. I hate change so much that when it starts happening I head for the hills. It takes forever for me to take my walls down now who is this you are bringing into my circle? I have been betrayed over and over again by these mysterious friends. The ones who appear out of normal and ply you with alcohol till you pass out. I know what it feels like to be the lone joke in the room. You leave to the washroom to enter to hush silence. You don’t even need to ask. Where we are as human beings is the worse we have ever been. I just found my country is a graveyard but nobody has changed their wanton ways. The ignorance of others just make me want to pull out my own eyes. Please don’t make me watch what we are capable of. It has been on display too long.

I don’t like change so I don’t change I evolve. If it doesn’t allow me to be better than I was before than there is no sense in partaking in it. Love is simplest when it is true, when it is pure. It is something as simple as a childhood memory who reminds you of who you once were to help you get back. I remember the people of my childhood days like we were going to graduate tomorrow. It’s not that I miss anybody in particular, I just miss what could have been. Who would I have become if i didn’t go off to school. Would I have endured all that continuous abuse over and over. Would everything but the characters remain the same or would our paths have always crossed. One where dreams are made and the other is where reality comes to be. When I think of the love that I could have known I rarely have any regrets. I say what comes to my mind in the moment and there are few words that I would ever change.

I have ended relationships with people for one reason or another. My pedestal was always so high. I wanted somebody to meet me on it. Along the way I just wanted to find somebody decent. Somebody who wouldn’t lie to me. Betray me. I was becoming tired of telling my own story. I think that is was made me want to write because there was no one here to listen. I ended up with a husband so far removed that any communication between the two usually results in anger. I stopped trying to push myself onto others because really what was the point. If given the chance wouldn’t other’s revel in your good intentions? That is where I want to one day be. Everything is so silent these days that the path I seem to be on has lit up. I don’t want to go down to quickly because I want to absorb all the energy that has worked for decades to try and find me. Good people will invest in y our dreams and make it so that they one day become awake. Like an Elder’s prayer sent to bring their young friends home how can one keep on ignoring the pain. Those people who can engage in their day with not even giving thanks or acknowledgement of what had to be sacrificed in order for us all to live this way. Things didn’t happen like our text books need us to believe. Our economy depends that we believe in all the lies. Treaties were signed because the rest of the world was watching. Did their Indigenous roll over and give up or so we send in our warships to get it done? Colonized is such a terrible word. By definition alone it is to send settlers to a place so they can gain political control. What a bunch of pompous *ssholes that arrived in those boats on those days. No, no, no sir did you just repurpose that whole animal? How much money did you make? Nothing? How dumb are you? I mean what other type of conversation could have happened to a man with dollar signs in his eyes and the other with peace in his heart?

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Excellent articulation of feelings…


  2. Hi Ruby, it is such an emotional packed article – Love is simplest when it is true, when it is pure – so true. Relationships are about enhancing quality of life isn’t it – if they don’t then they don’t make any sense. I hear you about change, it is never easy – even if it needs to happen change needs to match our pace or else it is not the right one..


    1. My whole being is in knots.


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