Cringe Worthy

I still want to give people the benefit of the doubt but I have to have a measure in which to weigh their good intentions from the bad. My desire to have an authentic, real relationship is disfigured as I strive to find one that is real and honest with me. Why would anybody take another dreams inside their palm and grind it into a find sand and let it slip away? Doesn’t my validation matter in this world or are you only concerned with you?

Everybody is struggling to climb to the top, for what? To be placed 6 feet under and in time nobody will remember your name. All your shade has been left to the trees as you are left in your own demise with nobody coming to visit your grave. No birds or flies or hope will pay you know mind. Your energy of deceit drips off of you like a bear scavenging honey straight from the hive. I wonder what drew me to the possibility of you. Maybe the little girl inside of you said help in time just as I was passing by. If I have learned anything in this life you can’t force those to see anything your way. Just keep on keeping on and one day maybe you will get your chance to play.

Did you ever have a conversation with someone who just leaves this film of bile in your throat all day long and starting into the next. It’s like the minute I watched pieces of this onslaught that was saved made me wretch my breakfast and last night’s food. We all are able to experience and witness some level of betray. I just believe in miracles and of course every dog must have his day. Maybe yours has come and gone. Maybe who knows. I have been very clear with my intentions. It is not my place to force mine on yours. I can’t even put into words the videos I began to watch from what I believed was a so called friend. Specific words and phrases penetrate my mind deeply and I just want to pull out my hair. Is that who people actually believe me to be? I want to die with this sole reason so I have to ignore what was said and move on.

What makes those that see another trying their best want them to fall hard onto the pavement so they can never get up? I still choke at the though of certain words. I want to scratch out my eyes so the replay stops. I hear them in slow motion, backwards and on repeat. All I can say is I though I met an ally now I can see how very wrong I was. Two peas with different make ups rarely ever find the same pod. I guess I will roll along to the next one in the hopes there is someone there more like me. I learned to stand on my own two feet because I grew tired of others trying to take me out at the knee. I can’t now help but feel overly guarded. F*ck what a waste all that time was. I even question coming off my meds. 300 mg of Effexor would sure help right now. I toss with that idea because at times it sure is easier to feel numb. Could I deal with potential anger issues? Nah probably not.

I just wish others could be authentic with me. Real, you know. I am tired of who other’s portray themselves to be. I would rather be alone with my cats then deal with the dishonour that comes with every day when we all show up to compete. Why do we have to define ourselves in that way? Are you the best in the world? And should it even matter? Wouldn’t having a decent character be a better measure in this world? I don’t stray too far unless my emotions get the best of me. We are all set to boil in one way or another. To be a passing observer in your own life is very hard to do. We want to feel love and compassion from others, I think that maybe what life is all about. When we leave this Earth and our earthly bodies the only thing we are privy to take are all the things that we can not see. I tread as light as I can and try to live by ethics that most modern man will never be able to understand. Set in the ways of what was intended to keep fine men from inheriting this fine land. It was far easier to install cement building and put everybody to walk. Taxes are a necessity to keep it all in mint condition, except for all that money is in the pockets of politicians. Good people don’t do things because of the pay cheque they receive. They do it because it feels good for themselves and others. They also couldn’t imagine stepping on others to get to the top. They don’t want to be alone up there. They prefer to be surrounded by those they can trust.

People come and go so fast like blips on a radar of the latest Top Gun movie. I don’t fight for anybody to stay anymore. I just let them go. Especially the ones that make my heart cringe I just close the door behind them and make sure it is locked and double bolted. In this life there is no reason to give another a second chance to break your heart. If they did it once they will do it before they are the master of the broken heart and dreams. I don’t play games and I have enough schooling to know that nothing is ever for free. Don’t ask me for any favours in life if you fail to see what I mean. Friends turn foes far quicker than allies. It is far easier to trick and betray then live with good intentions and an honourable life.

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