At the same I am getting told off by some narcissist sliding into my DM’s with the latest dick pick I am also getting told off by my husband. I hate saying anything. Most times I just freeze up and become mute. On one end I am getting called a douche because I don’t want to respond to this hyper sexualized person as my husband arrives home to dictate my day. Have I mentioned that all the muscles in my body ache? Please tell me is this a side effect of the withdrawal.

My husband has a bad habit of allowing dangerous products and items to lay around. Last night the item was a razor blade that was over a foot long that was just laying on the counter. I moved it. Out of fear that my son would find it our one of the cats would knock it off the table. This night in question after being gone all day he NEEDED this particular item and became unhinged trying to find it. I don’t like conflict. It terrifies me to no end. I can feel the heat run through my whole body as rage begins to bubble and threaten to break through. Today though no rage. Just fear.

Everyday I jazz myself up to believe this will be the greatest day of my life. I will be put in front of all the right people that will allow this life to make sense instead of the bittersweet disaster that I have come to know. I long to be held, to have one last kiss pushed onto my untouched lips. Now after such an incredible day just as I am about to lay my head he comes home and makes it so the reality of my life I will never be able to escape.

I tried to clean as much as I could but with the temperatures climbing and an inquisitive soon to be 4 year old I did a little more than what I normally would do. And that obnoxious weed that I have had to pull out of the ground for the 4th time this year. Your time weed is coming as I pour another pot of hot boiling water on what I hope will one day uncover this noxious bulb to screams of chaos in the house that awaits me. I just take a deep breath and think my time is long overdue.

The biggest fear I have these days is when my husband comes home. My stomach immediately goes to knots and I can’t keep anything down. This becomes even dicier for me as the medications I take are all oral so that is what makes me smoke. I smoke so much to try and stop the nausea from coming but in the end the sickness wins. The sickness always has it’s wicked way with me and now my muscles aching feels like the ultimate price. This trip should have been different. In the end I should have been feeling loved. My focus has truly been on self love. That should be the only thing we should ever focus on as it is the way we view ourselves that will always see us though.

Now sitting here getting talked to like a less than human piece of garbage all for a razor blade I know I have seen but can’t remember because that was like a hundred bong rips long ago. My mind is not working like it should right now. The roller coaster that I am on takes me to these extremes that I am constantly in a state of shook emergency and I am telling you I can’t stomach any more of losing my lunch. Then there’s this guy getting made at me for not acknowledging his dong! Why, why, why is that supposed to impress me or anybody. I am a busy mom who lives in a zoo. Come at me with a foot massage and a quiet house and maybe, just maybe we will talk. I have to much going on in my life for this to be a practical though. Sorry John Dong but you just became a control, alt, delete but really block. Man I just can’t shake my head hard enough to ignore what others believe.

I do what I do because I love it and it feels good to me. I don’t want anybody around me that could affect me too negatively. My husband is the exception of the rule because right now he provides the roof over my head and keeps are bellies fed. His obnoxious overbearing behaviour is getting to be too much. So I wait. A lot of people don’t understand the purpose but if all he is doing is throwing stones I think I have what it takes to wait a little bit longer. I see you for who and what you are trying to do. There is no wool over my eyes anymore. For the first time all the smoke has cleared and there truly is no purpose or reason for me to ever say more. The peace I found in tucking myself away to endure this egotistical tirade that comes from all sides. If it isn’t another Dick in my DM’s it is the one in my house and between me and you I am very, very, very tired of this game.

My husband is walking around here like last night didn’t happen. I tell him it is way different for me. You were the one who was really being mean. I am the one that had to deflect all the stones that you were trying to pummel me with. “You aren’t welcome. Just me and Schmoo will go. C’mon peanut your mom is not safe.” I recorded these times when you get so angry because I needed to listen to them all when things calm down. What I have come to recognize is I have felt this pain before, the source, the ammo, the way you meticulously chose your words to hurt. You and your sister are one and the same. Every time she is mad she talks to me in the exact same way. Like two peas in a pod set to seek out and destroy. You see. I couldn’t let your mouths keep flapping I had to learn the source. I took a deep hard look inside me to where I turned myself inside out. I am raw from all the deceit that keeps coming but never again will I ever fail. The words I hear no longer hurt because I wear the biggest armour I have ever adorned. I am the protector of the greatest life’s and no bad will or dishonourable attention will ever change that fact.