I set my day to music and try to allow the day to unfold as naturally as it can without any hiccups or more bruises. First off why do some feel the need to push you to max capacity mentally then throw the lowest blows to try and break you. Most people do this. You can merrily be doing your own thing and rat a tat tat a here comes a snake. No words have been exchanged since the last venomous lies now here we are another tirade from a less than knowledgeable source. My husband should be understanding that there is only so long before a human does move on after being ignored all these years. It’s not like I don’t tell him. I just think it is funny that a man can go insane over somebody they were just starting to get to know. I am not looking to get laid or have any sort of one night stand. I just want to finally be accepted for all the things that I am. An education an utilized makes you one of the biggest moron’s on the block. What was the point of all those mind numbing facts if you smoke like a chimney hacking butts and your lungs. YUCK!!!
Samuel is quick becoming my hero. His words apply to almost every situation. You want to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee? I am immune to you Mutha F*cka and I have been sitting on the sidelines absorbing all the steps. See the words you tumble onto me have been the tomb you placed yourself in. I am not crazy or bi-polar. Duh!! I am a Russian, Belgium, Italian Woman so get outta here with that BS. People are allowed to swing and sway in every which way and should never be shamed for the mental illness they share so publicly. The person so quick to try and get under the skin is the very same person waiting to tear the own off. The biggest challenge is to get rid of this egotistical nightmare so you can allow those who build you up a chance to get near.
Your space, your essence, your time is the greatest source of value that you will ever. We can use our legs to walk away to hurt us when it is safe to do so just as soon as we can close off our hearts from ever allowing another close. I used to believe that maybe the day was a one off or maybe it was me but I fell silent just so I could absorb the energy. I am literally doubled over in pain and it is all that I can do just to stand tall in the morning. The knots that I feel are these stabbing pains all throughout my body and at times I just want to light all my nerve endings on fire. I think people now who turn me off the most are those who want to crazy shame. We all know how I medicated person feels when told that they are delusional or that the feelings that they are experiencing make them less of a human. The way I see it the ones that are incapable of showing their true feelings are the ones we should be watching out for. I mean not one person noticed the rage of a high school shooter until it was too late.
Why do we owe anybody anything and why do so many of us pretend to be somebody we could never possibly be. I understand flying low trying to go undetected by why would you only want that to be your life. Everybody has something that sets them free and gives them hope and promise that life as we know it is meant for remarkable things. We need to pick and chose our moments to focus on and see what truly could possibly be. I hate that my marriage is unfolding this way but what else can I possibly do? I try to not allow his words and mannerisms towards me affect me but if I don’t show some sort of distaste towards what he has just done then he will always assume that he is forgiven. He likes to tell me to move and and just forget but some things aren’t that easy. I warned him. I cautioned him that he was pushing me to my limits and it wouldn’t be a song worthy event anymore where I would be begging for one more time. I am already out past the boundaries of our relationship. I sail in from time to time as that is what a family, although broken, tends to do. Why would I minimize what I want out of life for somebody else’s less than desirable traits. We need to set limits and boundaries and stop letting those in that you should wait to swim on past.
It is exhausting to constantly have your back arched waiting for another’s display of less than human mannerisms. I understand the concept of what it is you are trying to say but actions speak louder than words and this just seems like a case of flapping gums with empty words and broken promises. My emotional scars have finally broken loose and I am just raw from all that my mind has saw. I knew what had happened to me as a young girl was messed up but I could never have dreamed up this. I write to set my truth free. Far into the heavens where my angels wait for me. I talk about these horrors that were once my life so I can make room for a pure love that will help marinade my soul. I remember the first time I was raped. On my parents couch in front of my sister. We were under a blanket so her 10 year old mind had no way of knowing what was happening. I just remember him on top of me saying if I didn’t keep quite that she would be next. I am stuck there. I need somebody to come and get my childlike heart and tell her it was never her fault. I feel so much disgust and shame that mounts so high when others start to talk down to me in a negative way. I start to hate myself for what I allowed to happen. I am here at the limits and I am once again alone. Somebody please save me. I just want to come home.