I am somebody who has struggled far too long trying to prove my worth to others. Every negative comment that left the lips of others pursed through me like a dagger on a mission. No need to turn my back. Too weak from others betrayal. I did it all to myself and should have known better. Looking back now I can’t believe that it took this long for me to figure it all out.
“The sun always returned…as long as you were strong enough to wait for it.” Even some experience 60 plus days of darkness where others are forced for over 80 days into the light. The choice is yours to chose it yet we are so preconditioned in all our ways. My husband has this idea that my son should sleep in his own bed or have a bed time or all these other things that I am so confused on. Like what the hell for? Everything we were ever told to believe was a lie now I need to know Who am I here and does it even matter? We work our whole damn lives to get blisters on somebody else’s empire while we remain dirt poor. He also tells me I will not be able to build a faerie pond in my own damn yard without hiring an excavator. Are we that damn lazy in our own lives that we can’t even afford to risk our own back breaking work? Every day a dig and move dirt to other areas around the yard. Sure maybe he can rent a machine to have it done in one damn day but I have accomplished more than he has in 3 days so I don’t know how to feel about all that. People spent their whole lives working on something that they were never going to enjoy. Probably even if they saw it finished it would break their backs just from over indulging in one look.
Who am I now? Not who was I once. All the different versions never apply because I never believe in standing still. I read until words make no sense and until my feelings and heart begin to cross. I wanted to be in love with every moment not too fragile to even speak. I want to spend my life in a constant state of wonder and just a dash of dream. We can never get to where we are hoping to go though if we never push ourselves to go just a little farther down the road. I live my heart open even though my mind is constantly full. I wish that my life was easier yet when I think about it what could I possibly change? I dream of a life where people were true to who they were. Not these little devious trolls living in the dark only coming out to say a few words. They don’t care about their place in my world they just know that they hate their own. I never encourage those type of people going nowhere into my life I can’t be one to be distracted. I guess I wish I was closer to the family I married into but to be honest I couldn’t be bothered to try. Ever hope and pray that maybe one day that they would just turn around. I sit outside in the fresh air in the silence because even I know better to poke a sleeping bear.
Who I always wanted to be was a lover of all life. I spent way too much fantasizing about the ending I suppose that I have trouble even comprehending that thought now. When you struggle with depression and mental illness like I have they always ask you that question. Do you wish to harm yourself or others? Have you made any plans to die? I am always brutally honest so I tell them the exact truth. Yes I have wanted to die. I have tried in the past. Unsuccessful. Mainly because no matter how low or depressed I got I always wanted to live. Maybe that is why I was so fascinated about the lives and history of others. So many people were brought to the brink of death and it wasn’t by their own choice. When knocking on death’s door brought their by another being they endured unbearable amounts of degrading behaviour and even some cases they were tortured. They lived. Some lived. Some came back from the brink of extinction to warn us about what the evil minds of humans are capable of. Yet with those hero’s who lived to tell their tales we are still some of the lowest forms of life. Things that some get away with doing to others and trying to justify it. All I want is to be kind and caring and in these days quiet. There is something to be said for the music that comes to your ears that nature brings.
I always wanted to be somebody who was easy going and carefree and who smiled more than who cried. I think that is what I love about just working around the house aimlessly even if it is a faerie pond that will never get to be finished. Dirt. I love dirt. I will call you home again one day. Well maybe not. Or maybe so. I just want to be somebody who lives. Tired of working to pay another’s lavish life I will no longer buy into all those backwards traditions that we now take as gospel. The mindset we have in order to just get buy is mind blowing and that is the gift I was given when I was first brought into this land. Not to this land as in this country but the form of life that I get to live. I don’t care much in the ways of selfish behaviour. It has never gotten me anywhere closer to who it is I truly wanted to be.Who am I? I am still not sure. I think that is all part of the fun, isn’t it.