Innocence Lost

I would rather hold onto true love that has passed on than buy into what other’s are selling these days. So many vultures are out there picking at the decay that it is impossible to know who to trust. We think that those who shield themselves with years of schooling and hold high titles and impossible degrees are the be all end all’s to life and we should worship them accordingly. We fail to hold those accountable when they put us in harms way. The anniversary of my death date is fast approaching. It is the actual death of another woman who suffered just like me. Unlike me she will never live this life as a mother because those Doctor’s we put in charge stole her away. They took a daughter away from her mother and a mother away from her daughter and covered her up with a sheet and stored inside a fridge. TRUST ME when I say this these Doctor’s do no harm then good. I am sorry for having to say all this but two times they have failed me when it mattered. Hundreds more though lie at their feet.

We remember that it was a Doctor who looked at my engorged belly and watermelon feet and signed a prescription for 200 antacids and a note stating that I was to work up to 37 weeks. I bled throughout as I stood for hours on end. Everything that was happening to me she deemed normal. I wonder if things would have been different if I didn’t criticize the state of her waiting room. Until you go to bed covered in ice packs and a head ache that could have even woken the dead I laid down to die. The Doctors said that she seized for 14 minutes. I only 12. Was that the difference between us? Just a mere couple minutes, seconds?

The white is what I remember. And of course seeing my Grandma again. I made sure to remember every detail this time. Up to and including the knife scars on the fingertips of her most used fingers. Cutting apples mostly. Just sitting on her chair. Man I miss that woman. Thank you for making the journey to come and see me. Believe what you want but I know what she said. She forgive me for all the bad that I was doing so she came to gave me a second chance. That is why I don’t put up with no more of people’s BS. It took some time to get comfortable. I think yesterday made all the difference in the sand.

My desire to get off of Effexor just came to me one day. I had no idea what it was doing to me I just trusted what all the Doctor’s had to say. I mainly looked because my son is developing a very bad temper. Surprise, surprise would you know that Effexor transfers into the breast milk. So here we are. You prescribed a medication that is not recommended in pregnancy and not recommended for breast feeding momma’s and now here it is two strikes against you instead of just the one. YOU KNEW I was going to breast feed that baby for AS LONG as it took because he was a preemie. So in addition to my son fighting for his life you made him addicted to this mind altering substance so he became a little sh*t. Maybe I could forgive you for all of that if maybe just maybe that was the only mistake that you made. BUT when I asked you specifically if I should come off this before trying to conceive and all you say oh ya it will be fine go ahead and try. I am mad. I am heartbroken and I am sad.

So now in addition to my grief I get looked at for smoking cannabis like I am some sort of degenerate loser. So many don’t understand that when the anxiety creeps up inside me and threatens to take me I can’t trust these pills that alter the state of my mind. They don’t try and understand the demons they just put up this weird f*cked up gate. What happens to a structure put in place when the weight that is opposing it becomes too much? It crumbles. You become desperate to obtain some sort of relief from it and that is when the suicidal thoughts come in. It is not that you want to but you just want some sort of relief. Relief from what all those around you are saying I am not those things you say. I wish I could be like you drinking a box of wine a day. I can’t I tried. I try some days but at the end of it all I still love the way it feels to live. Free of the hangover so you can greet the beauty of each day. With a hot cup of joe and some smoke of herb to greet and bless the beauty of a new day. When I think of all those who have judged or misled me the one person who I always stayed true to was me. In some ways. I hid a huge side of me that no longer made sense. If I was going to be true to myself and authentic than it made the most sense just to embrace all the things that make me me and stop worrying about all the hate and shade being thrown my way.

The little voice inside me told me to research the side effects of Effexor. Strange eh not that I was looking or needing an excuse to ditch this drug for good but it just reinforced how we really need to dig deep and listen to what truly makes our own heart beat and make it so that each one of us have a chance to be heard.

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