Ever spend your free time with a man who belittles your existence? I mean when given the chance all he does is make fun of the things that make you feel important. Giving you an ounce of hope is out of character for him. I am having trouble deciphering who the problem truly is. Is it me who wants to be present in my life and experience true love? Or him who can’t seem to get his head out of his ass to see what it is he is truly missing. Every god damn day he is away from this house doing something else. His domineering attitude making an appearance just to show who is still in charge. I would scream out in frustration but what I can tell you it is always in vain.
Everything he needs to do is more important. Every bleep, bloop and beep turns his attention from us as he only focuses on his screen. You can’t get a word in edge wise. I am sick of feeling like this. Everyday the magic is ripped from me as he tries to justify why what he wants most out of life is more important than my dreams. I feel the life suck out of me whenever he is around. I don’t have a life partner I have a nightmare and my being is paying the ultimate price.
My anxiety is crippling. I feel sick every time I move. I get sick often throughout the day. Mostly when he is berating me and trying to do everything to set me off. Does a partner purposely do everything in their power to watch a loved one fail? Today has felt like a doozy, at times I can barely breathe.
It was my son who told me to hug a tree and I collapsed into its branches. As I cried and clung on for dear life I found myself appreciating how sturdy his embrace felt. A tree doesn’t ask to be loved it just stands there knowing it could possibly provide a safe home. I felt safe knowing that a tree normally doesn’t just stand alone. The breeze always carries a tale or two and maybe a wayward bird or a family of squirrels. Life is all in how you perceive it no other can ever take that away from you. I chose to live my life different, to be different in the hopes of inspiring another to do the same. You have to have so much faith and so much hope that if you keep shooting the stars eventually something good will have to fall off. Star dust always falls to the ground it is sometimes disguised in ways we can never see it. That is the irony of life that not too many can ever move past.
Take the mom who just lost her child she obsesses for the rest of her life if only she said no instead of yes and yes instead of no would the butterfly effect have applied to her. We fail to recognize that interwoven into the span of each day is this hidden mystery to the reason why we are all present here during this time. The absence of a friend doesn’t alter our timeline just there’s. How we interpret our own heart break will be the tone for us to succeed or worst case scenario be the reason why we fail. Look into the eyes of a maniac and you can see that there is no way in anybody’s wildest imaginations will that type of crazy ever change. In some ways that is how we should take a look at our lives. We shouldn’t be scared of what some other random person’s opinion might be. So what. The amount of times I have been told to kill myself or just die already would have almost every single one of you quaking in your graves. Humans are mean. We are the only ones who use are speech to hunt, hate and kill. Animals don’t warn their prey they are coming in some ways we are all *ssholes like the household cat. You know what I mean. Playing with the mouse living it hanging to life. Knocking trinkets and who knows what else off of every surface and that is only when the cat is having a good day. Never trust a disgruntled cat and a woman you can trust a whole lot less. This I can almost guarantee.
Those who can’t be next to another brandishing their own light without turning sour just aggravate me to no end. Everybody screams about how honest they are but turn a cheek quicker when they are made to justify what it is they are saying. My husband always squawks about how what I do doesn’t pay the bills. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I am so tired of being micro managed. All the under handed, one side comments just aggravate my nerves. 4.5 years of non stop badgering my stomach is in knots. I think I am going to be sick.
I can tell when somebody doesn’t like me. It stems more from a place some will never understand. When what lights my soul on fire makes you cringe I think it’s time. When you steal the smile straight from my face with your flailing arms and angry face I start to hate myself. I have to fight against this urge of coming unglued and hating myself and trying to make the pain go away. I want you to take me to the hospital so I can sit for 30 days and figure out what to do. I hate that the better I feel the tighter the noose becomes around my neck. I wish you could see how you are breaking me. I wish in some ways this could all make sense.