Nobody should use the cries of another to amplify their position in their community. To take the heart and soul of this great time and pervert it in such a way to feed your sick need to destroy young girls minds like you have always done before has become your biggest liability. I have never met another that has been so content on destroying the friends that flocked towards you for what? For whom? Did the bell toll and it tolled for you and now you are out of sort and lost and not sure what to do? I thought I warned you not to throw stones in glass houses but the temptation of the risk involved become to great for you to ignore. Psssssstttttt showing your support for the minority groups you claim to understand doesn’t mean you collect a profit while perfecting your new “hobby”. What we learn from those forefather’s that should have inherited the land from their ancestors is up for anybody to grab. What we can’t buy into is that obsessive need for each one to capitalize on their misfortune. There is doing naturally right and doing whatever it takes to fit in where you think you belong.
When you walked a majority of your life alone you truly do lose the right to have a filter. I try to be cordial but I am jaded. After everything I have been through, all the knee scrapes, cuts and bruises if I see somebody who is taking advantage of the system I will always speak my mind. Remember our voice of intuition. It is there for a reason. I honour my voice and have never regretted anything that I have ever said. Sure maybe it has come across or a little bit too eager but I feel there is more harm in letting a bad thought fester instead of allowing it to take over your entire mind. I don’t repeat anything to intentionally be cruel. Like the first time I arrived on the Pin-Up scene and was told we don’t include them over there because they are too fat. I was skinnier than but the malicious over tone wasn’t lost on me. Are these the type of people I truly wanted to be around? Would I ever be able to find me?
This pandemic was the best thing to happen to me. I already had a plan in place to help me “level up” such as reading, blogging, creating, cooking, momming, pet parenting, gardening…it is a rare thing for me to be on the computer. As a cannabis advocate and influencer with the THSea Sirens (just recently discovered) there is time spent on social media but I am very aware of the cumulative time spent. In fact I look at my daily total and try to lower it each day. As the layers got peeled away from the isolation I was learning to love who it was that I am. I free spirit loving individual who would fight for anybody if given the chance. Not with physical violence but intellectual words. There ain’t no words you can throw at me that I haven’t already heard. There is no heart break faster than listen to a so called friend speak down about who you are. Not coming to the defense of your character in fact the reverse of the words is what can be heard. A friend allows you the space free to be you. Free to be inquisitive and open up your mind. Is it wrong to ask a question so you can grow in faith with a person? What does it mean to be a friend truly and do I have any here on this Earth?
I remember when the “Pin-Ups” turned their back on me. Not given me a chance to feel safe in their space. I think I know what it feels like to be tarred and feathered. I understand the pretext of cancel culture now. My person never ever wanted to hurt anybody. I walk in fear everyday. Ashamed of the past that haunts me the ghosts that follow me screaming my name. Nobody ask me what truly drew me to Pin-up anyways so let me give it a try. One of the last times before I saw my dad is when I graduated from University, I think I was 24. Me and my boyfriend of the time were quite large. Working two jobs (one of them fast food) and full time University I gained well over 100 pounds. It was just me and my Dad in an elevator. He was telling me to basically move on from my guy. In the 4 years we were together I think he worked 2 days in his life. He told me that you needed two income these days to survive. Then he told me I was beautiful if only I could lose some weight. Nobody in my life will ever understand. How my heart remains broken because I miss my Dad. I will never get any of those years back now that their gone. Now I sit and wait for the phone call that he has moved on. Being beautiful is all I have that connects me to my dad. As long as I feel those words in my heart maybe one day he and his will forgive me again. Everybody that was a part of our life back then says that he is different now he is not even the same man. This has been another nightmare of my life. To have my son grow up without his Grandfather, at least from my side of the family.
Being outed by a bunch of catty girls for reasons to this day I can never truly understand just began to make me spiral to this place. Inside this place luckily was this petite scared little girl. She was me in the shadows before the boogey man came and took her away. Now he brought her back to me and I am over the moon excited that he did. In the absence of all these so called friends I took a deep look inside and began to get to know me. I remembered a picture my Aunt painted and it was one of my Grandmother feeding her chickens outside of her house. If I could be anybody in this world it would be her she was filled with so much grace. Her favourite place to visit was Reno, Nevada. I will never forget the discount panties. The bin was 10 for $1. So in a World full of Karen’s I think I am happiest just being me. The crazy, sweet, fun, loving gal…Sweet Ruby B.