What I find incredible yet almost impossible to believe is how the Universe reaponds to you when you surrender to it’s power. When you apologize for believing there could have been any other way. All the pain I experienced when I began to resist. When I refused to see the blessings in all the life around me and how their presence was in fact the biggest gift.
Sure impossible believe what it is you need yourself to believe. In the quietest of moments when everything around you becomes still, that is when healing happens when you are capable of your biggest fill. It started as a detoxifying, healing bath to recharge and cleanse all my ions. For 30 minutes I lay in candle light darkness with cucumber slices and the occassional puff. Of course a CBD Lavendar Lemonaide because I am obsessed with feeling good and becoming one with nature…the hippy in me is born.
Even last night as I wore my snowflake obsidian for the very first time I had no dreams. So for the first time since I lost my baby no reoccurring dream. Then believe what you want to believe but I got my period. Symbolic maybe. Mythology believes that woman get’s her period to symbolize the suffering that man has been made to endure. Without that connection with the soon to be living and those that have moved on when we suppress Mother Nature’s gift with hormones and suppression. This is not meant to be confusing but in some sort of way we have began the process of becoming hermaphroditic. Isn’t that who we become when we can no longer identify with the material masses that we are forced to become? We are no longer inherited from the Earth because we are perverted by science. No wonder why we all detest who looks back at us in the mirror because we are being born into these life forms that can no longer contain who it is we are evolving into being.
I don’t hate myself because I want to, I hated myself because it was easier for you. If I cowered into the background then what did it matter if I was crying looking into the heavens begging for me to die. I wanted anything and anybody to come and take the pain away but it didn’t serve a purpose for you to notice me until it almost became too late. So many nights I would lay my head down and pray that this would be the time. I would purge my soul of all bad thoughts and would promise that next time if given the chance I would live a better life. That if only my heart would stop from breaking I would do everything in my power to give back to her tenfold. She saved me that night now I have an obligation. An obligation to myself to forgive myself and heal her.
With all the detoxifying and alkaline re setting and with the crystals to protect me I will pour my heart out one last time it will be the last weight that will in turn save me. I have to relinquish the last bit of power that is holding back my heart. The one that believes my Dad will want to be with me and have the relationship I prayed for for the last 20 years. It is time now that I say good bye to the man who decided I wasn’t good enough, I never would be, I never could be. I can’t hold onto this guilt. All I wanted was my Dad to love me, I didn’t want to have to compete with is new wife. I wish he could remember what it felt like when I was little. When I would hold his hand and thank God that he was my hero. When I cry because I am alone it is because I miss my best friend. I miss the way he used to love me and he would say nice things to me instead of all this evil hate he now spews. So Universe if I thank you for the possibility of what was supposed to be will you take away this pain from me so I can live free. You see my Dad haunts me in everything I do. I look for approval and acknowledgement everywhere in every one. I also hate people and I shun them away. How dare you shun me for a life I have no control of now I am giving you back all this weight.
I close my eyes a lot now as I try to find some sort of answers. I see now why it all happened even if it doesn’t make entire sense. Nightmares come alive for no reason some test us some just appear and then leave. There are those that we hope were sent to guide us then they give us one big shove up the rear. Not in a nice way either. It is usually without lube. To those *ssholes sitting there just waiting for another to fall on their face I think man I see you and I can’t wait for you to get yours. When you can see the energy that is within every living thing it is a lot harder for people to get away with their bullsh*t in your presence. Fool my once is what it should truly take. Just most of us our narcissist’s and we tend to get off an all that pain. If somebody didn’t believe in you then they are more than likely not going to believe in you now. Sit around waiting enough and true colours are always revealed. I am not here to entertain or even play games. I maintain I came to ruffle up a whole bunch of feathers in the most cordial of ways. We all hide behind Jesus like he didn’t like to party. Even he saw the value of living humbly and authentically and not lying to save face. Just saying. I never denied that he did walk this Earth. I just know that he would be horrified but he died so we could live out our sins. I am not saying it is right for us to live the way that we do. But most of us are all just content living as monkey see so monkey do.