People come in all shapes and sizes and opinions and it seems that there is an overwhelming urge for others to try and tear into another’s soul. To say the words that will bring them to their knees and reduce them to their former glory of who they were always aspiring to be. I see bad people and they have come for me. I will let them win this time. Sometimes the demons power is too much.
“Blow your brains out. Eat all the pills.” Your life is worthless to all those around you. Do us all a favour and say goodbye. These words have always been a part of my life in some shape or form. I am tired of those around me trying to impose their wishes that involves me paying the ultimate price. I remember trying to kill myself at 13 when I found out my boyfriend at the time was sleeping with his cousin. He defended the action saying they were second cousins. How disgusting for everyone involved. Imagine being called all these unimaginable names because a girl decided to open her legs at a family reunion. That was my life, always the joke. Now I am tired of living through the moments so maybe it is my time to say goodbye.
I am undecided on whether or not I will keep this blog going and I will be shutting down my social media. I am shutting down all the venues that hurt me and I don’t care anymore if I waste away all alone. My whole being hurts and now I am living with these ghosts. I am tired of random people feeling sorry for me when it is my family I have always needed most. When I was raped by those three guys what got me out of the house was the hopes of true love. How was I supposed to know that I was in fact his side chick and he brought his “real” girl out that night. He did everything in his power to try and get another guy to distract. Truth be told the camera’s in the night club showed a different group of guys who drugged me that night. Hating myself became easy because I was always the girl who was always just the mistake.
Why do people feel the need to tell you to kill yourself. Do yourself and the world a favour and just die. Don’t they know how badly that hurts. Especially if you disagree with their final verdict on your life. I am not an addict. I am just tired of these demons knowing my name. I would rather try and find an existence that doesn’t hurt so much. Every never ending hurts so much. I refuse to let another take away my shine even though they have captured all my sparkle. I would rather become absolutely nothing than allowing another to be right. Just like my Dad and his wife used to say. I am a no good drug addict. The same word’s my husband spewed at me when he unleashed his anger last night. Now I am overwhelmed with emotion. I will not let him dictate to me his rage. He told me I can no longer medicate with CBD and Mary Jane so I will be doing so cold turkey. At around 6 pm tonight will be my first official 24 hours with only 37.5 mg of Effexor. As a spiral into the abyss with only my nightmares to comfort me I am undecided as just how far in the other direction I will go. I will take away the ammunition that my husband wishes to destroy. No more drugs. I am no longer an addict. No more social media. I am no longer an asshat clown. Nobody really like me anyways. According to my husband. All I did in the end was make it easier for my husband to take my son away.
I don’t like being surrounded by so much negativity and anger. Even his sister unleashed her unwarranted furry about how I am an addict and nothing more. At least I got up everyday and tried to make a difference. Please tell me why your words should have value or why I should even respect the words that I say. As a big sister you corrupted your brother. He is a mini version of you who repeats all the same things that you do. Both of you have designed yourself to hurt those around you. Why kind of existence does that serve? I would rather be alone in a house full of nothing than made to believe that who I was born to be is just a joke to some one like you. What I learned in this short time being married is that a license doesn’t make you a family it is the heart and soul of those that are around you. I am alone in this marital home because I don’t see the things the way that they do. I don’t like to be yelled at or made fun of or being reduced to lower than dirt. The reflection of who it is you are trying to make me into being will never work. I have always been honest and open in my approach. I truly do feel like I have nothing to hide.
Words don’t hurt as much as the ignorance that comes with them. I have heard the same things throughout my life so maybe there is a grain of truth to them. All I wanted was an existence where I can feel loved. Not pity for the abuse endured but actual real true compassion. Like the nurse on that night who attended to my wounds. I will never forget the look on her face when she went to conduct the rape kit but she came up to me instead. Her eyes filled with tears as she took off her cap. She told me she was sorry that man did this to me but as woman we were made to survive. She gave me a hug and cried for me and told me she was in remission and she fought everyday to survive. She told me that no matter what I had gone through my life was precious and still had value. What happened to me that night still haunts me in my dreams. Waking up covered in blood and then the social posts that went up later that night. I know what it feels like to have a monster right at your door. Threatening to keep your sanity and promising there was more violence in store. I wanted to find somebody or something to keep the bad man away at night. I know I am not the only one who has been forced to live a life that is painful in every way. That is why I told my story so generously because I no longer was going to live that lie. Trying to hide what had happened to me to make it so others feel at ease. I think that it was they are so heavy sounding when they keep insisting I tell the world goodbye.