Having the life pulled out of you is one of the most exhausting events to ever happen to anybody in this life. When you think that you have serenity in your own home but it is your own home that has become hell. Your body tired from a life with no purpose you try to lay your head down to sleep. Only to have the covers ripped away from your body and an inaudible shriek to blow your brains out. Listening to the negative dump of feelings coming my way for the first time in my life I considered what it would mean to die.
Since I was 13 years old the step out of bed was always the hardest. I would open my eyes and see my room and all my pillows and think what on Earth did I do to earn an existence like this? Is it because I chose a boy over everything else? All I wanted was to fit in somewhere and look at me 42 and all alone. I don’t process thoughts or feelings like everybody else. Why can’t I be normal? This really doesn’t feel fair. I thought I tried hard to interject light into every day but I know now how wrong that is to say. If people are always telling me to kill myself wouldn’t that mean that I am better off dead? I am incapable of living a life with no mistakes. I am scared of the one I might make next.
Day 2 of mindless crying and I don’t think it is ever going to stop. All the joy I once had is gone. Even the animals I keep in my care are not bringing me any joy. Even in them I see their pity and all I want to do is scream. I hate crying like this. I hate crying so much. I just can’t get the tears to stop at all now. My mind is tormenting my heart. “Kill yourself. Do the world a favour. Just blow out your brains.” This is all I hear now. Every breath. Inhale. Die. Exhale. Die. Why is this existence so hard? I am so sorry for all the pain I caused. Truth be told I never wanted to kill my baby at 13. My father convinced me I would have the best life in doing so now look at me 42 years old with no life. Whatever was growing inside of me has long been disposed. I always imagined her getting thrown away in the trash. How I wish that I could join her.
I am so tired of trying and even more exhausted from hoping. When I stand around in the silence there is solitude in the darkness. Now with the promise of a new day I completely hate myself. I will just sit on the couch till the night falls, I don’t care to do anything else. I try so hard to bring good into this life and all I get is all this negativity and hate. Maybe I do deserve to die but then I think that is so insane. I have never spent so much time thinking about this and now I am utterly obsessed. How could I do it and would it be something I could possibly carry through. If I were to do this now would they stop talking about me all I do is sit here.
I didn’t mean to hurt people in the way that I did. I am so scared of living, it hurts. I can’t explain this terror I find myself in. I longed to be hugged or talked to like another human being. For months I tiptoed around here because I was scared of all the things that he would say. I knew he was like this it runs in the family. One of my first interactions with his sister was she told me she hoped I would die before ever holding my baby. All signs indicate that I am the wasted life. Not everybody would say these things to me so they all must be right. I am just trying to wrap my head around what death would actually feel like. If I wasn’t so broken about leaving this life I would have done so already.
When I am alone I love all that life is. I love the sound of the waters, the smell of the air, the views of the mountains and all the critters that found a home out there. I cry alone in silence because I don’t want to be heard. I have no more life inside me I am drowning in my tears. How easy would it be if I blew my brains out? I am scared. I don’t want to die but I am tired of being hated so now I wonder if this is the only chance I have. I miss my mom and I don’t know if I am ever going to see her. I am so over tired of mean people maybe it is time I speed up the inevitable.
Last night as my son slept I traced every curve of his body. He looked so peaceful as I put my head on his chest to hear his heart beating. Nobody ever notices me so I guess it wouldn’t matter if I was gone now would it. At least he wouldn’t have an addict, dead beat mom. I am so over being hated. The more I think the more I think that it all makes sense. I can’t see through this wall of sorrow I just want to be somewhere it doesn’t hurt. I want somebody to care about me without sending a dick pic. Nobody can care about me because those that were capable of are already dead. I think about them constantly and I bring them back to life. Maybe we can join up together so I can forget this life even happened. Everybody has an opinion that is contradictory to your heart. If it truly was this easy would I be sitting here alone crying in the dark?