Somebody is always going to hate on you just for being your glorious you. They you that took you forever to feel confidence with somebody else is waiting on the side lines to steal her away. Everybody says to be weary and careful and not to blow out another’s shine but if you are like me and bad things keep happening you tend to keep all the bad men away.
They come in all shape and sizes and hide behind smiles and laughter and are even the master of shedding a tear. I didn’t like the friends that just show up to feed off your carcass loading up on stories to tell the masses because they will use your demise to feed their flame. My husband keeps telling me to go make friends and go meet people but I just glare out him with my side eye. Why do I need to get to know so many people content on just watching me fail. I have a lot to get done in a day now all of a sudden these animals I care for are not allowed to be my friends? When did life get so confusing, I am overwhelmed. Maybe this is happening because I decided to come off my meds?
I can’t help but think about the greatest woman I have ever known. Her welcoming smile and loving embrace always had a way of making me feel I was in the right place. I hated that her last memory of me was reading about my failure as a human when I got my first DUI. Correction ONLY DUI. But still. I had my demons and they had full control of me. Everyday above ground was one where I was lucky to be alive. When you lose a piece of you at such a young age you feel that hole. Every word said to me in those moments of ending that sweet precious life inside me echo’s inside my heart. No matter how I try to fill the void that piece of me remains empty. I know that I am strong and will get through this but it has been 3 decades and losing her still isn’t easy. I feel some sort of blessing that I never got the chance to meet what could have been. I know mother’s who have lost their children and there is nothing on Earth that will fill them.
All we have is love and compassion for each other but something stops us dead in our tracks. I want to believe that there is good left in someone but then I see all the little ways that others are still trying to defeat me. All I have is common sense and a wayward eye. Once you stepped over onto the other side what others have to say doesn’t change you. The biggest turn off when it comes to another being is the way that they lie. I don’t speak anymore because there is no why my thoughts can be stolen. My thoughts I meticulously record because I know that shark infested waters always seem to stay that way. They may rest for a moment or two but they will always come to feed once the waters run red.
It like the book, “A Knock on the Door.” Talk to anybody who was growing up in the 50’s and 60’s and their stories are pretty much the same. It is the Inidigenous fault for having too many children that they couldn’t take care of and the government was doing them a favour by taking them away. I kid you not this is a common thought in our aging demographic. This is what they were made to believe. Yes of course they lived poor and in filth because that is how reserves were designed. There is actual government documentation stating that residential school were put into place to “kill the Indian” right out of them. That is not even the most alarming part of it all. Whenever it was brought to light that there was a sex offender in the schools mist they were told to flee to another province. School were set on fire because the children were tired of the abuse. There is NO WAY on this CEMENT COVERED EARTH that more people should be held responsible. There are documents. It is well known. Why is human decency such a weird thing?
Whoa whoa Ruby why such an extreme? Children like animals are the ONLY innocent being. If adults act like heathens it is because we made them that way. Billions of war equipment was left to terrorists maybe that should be ALL the reasons why. I can’t comprehend or even wrap my head around what is happening. That is why I have to stay high in the clouds now because what we have all feared and wrote about is actually just happening. We allowed all the demons to empower themselves. Trudeau, Biden and who knows who else is about to Purge this nation and take us all out. What is happening with making this vaccine a real mandatory thing? We have lost all rights of civility and I may just lose my mind over thinking.
So before I go let’s dissect these thoughts with a philosophical brain. I don’t need too many friends persay, my Grandmother lived on a farm and she was glorious. Yes maybe my life partner needs to change but all in good time. I will keep on working on me until then let’s move on to the next point of this thought stream. I am going off my prescriptions and there is not a damn thing anybody can do. With side effects of taking ones beauty F off!! I see what time it is, game over. Nevermind. Get the F out of here. The real history of Canada seriously needs to come into light. I will not buy into this colonized way of life anymore no thank you not for me. I just want to live a good life filled with kindness and respect and if the Universe can throw in some true love who would I be to complain?