You Know What Motha F*cka

You know what motha f*cka! This man has the nerve to run around like his sh*t don’t stink! I just said those exact words to him. As God as my witness there is no way this man is my life partner he is my RIGHT NOW partner but Beyonce got it right let me tell you. As soon as I am able, let me upgrade you, to the left to the left.

Ever get talked down to like a piece of sh*t because some motha f*cka just has his garbage and crap laying around insulting me for the growing piles of filth. I swear on my life if I walk in on him in his “lab” one more timd taking dabs on Instagram lives with chicks with their tits out I am, well. To be honest there is not a damn thing he can do. I try so hard so we can have a better life and what kind of effort does he put in? Not a damn thing!

I know what some of you are thinking, be more appreciative. And I am but truth be told things have gotten a whole lot worse since he was laid off of work and it really stems from him generating and finding more things to complain about. He truly doesn’t understand the amount of work that it takes just to keep the surface areas of this house clean. There is 3 levels and there is over 20 lives and just a reminder ETA EACH animal needs at LEAST 15 minutes of quality time. That is some weird recommendation that some person came up with somehow.

He drops his drawers and takes off his shoes and socks and leaves it in the kitchen for me to pick up in the morning. He LOVES to discipline me on how much free time I would have if I would just learn to clean as I go as I bend over to pick up his beef jerky garbage and remember I have been a vegetarian for over 2 years. Which is another thing all in itself. I get told me not wanting to eat meat his an inconvenience for him. And I get it, not really. I just don’t want to eat meat because I can’t guarantee the source and more to that I just love animals WAY too much. I wouldn’t be force feeding a chinchilla a hay slurry and massaging her feet all while she gets stronger and getting back lots of bitey fight. What I love most about his attitude towards all the pets is he acts like their saviour without doing a damn thing.

I think I empowered a monster by allowing him into my world. He gets off on hurting me and it is obvious in every sense of the word. He purposely tries to ignite my furry and rage. Using under handed comments that I have told him really bothered me. Every day is an exercise in self control but there is only so much I can do. I know it is time to move on from this part of my life so all I can do is keep on as cordially as possible until the right does appear. We are both trying to be as civil as possible but the happier and motivated I become the angrier and almost jealous he becomes. I have to stop allowing him to ignite me in the ways that he does. Only then can I say that I truly no longer care. It is a slippery slope that is for sure. He is the father of my son and I desire another child but at 42.5 years old married to the wrong man and a recent miscarriage under my belt things are looking up. Besides I don’t get comfort around my husband any longer.

My anxiety is insane! I am getting sick every day. Usually just once. Potentially twice. It all depends on the mood the bear awakes in. I try to get as much done as I can. Sacrificing as much of myself that I can allow in the process. It’s a struggle. In one sense I am getting told to get out of the house and to do something with myself then when I do I get woken up at 2:30 AM because he needed to get the cat food out of the SUV that he told me to pick up after my appointment. First of all what day is it and who are you? I have no idea if you are friend or foe when you awake me in this way. So here I am trying to find something I have no idea what. Some fairy quest of epic proportions until the insults start coming my way. You lose everything. There is sh*t every where! We need to clean more! You need to stop doing this! You sabotage everything I do and have on purpose! Uhmmm what ogre troll is that you speak of? I am going to be and will find the keys to the magical kingdom in the morning. Namaste.

Every day is like that. He just looks at me and sneers. Tells me to blow my brains out one day and that I am a drug addict and that I will NEVER find a job or ever get to keep our son. Zing, Zing, Zang Motha F*cka what is that you are trying to say? Don’t ask me to smoke bowls and bangers with you one day and helping me take videos for instagram if you are going to keep throwing your filth my way. I told him that as my husband he should be my biggest fan and the fact that he is the one leading my haters I just want to kick him in the balls. But I can’t because he is my son’s father so I just swallow all this crow and say have yourself a nice day. I warn him that one day he is going to wake up and everything that he complains about is going to be long gone. You know what Motha F*cka it is too late for coulda, woulda, shoulda 4 years is long enough to have my soul grated. Now I am off to make myself a great day!

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