I cannabliss. So what. I have to. The trauma that lives in my brain over and over again if I am allowed to be still in my own mind would literally drive me insane. The amount of medications they had me on, and by they I mean big pharma pickled my body. I think that it why I miscarried. But oh well c’est la vie.
At 4 AM I found it impossible to sleep. Thinking about people in my social circle and why and how they found themselves there and if they even cared to know me or gave a sh*t about me. My circle is super small. I hold a small ounce of hope that one day maybe our lives could possibly intertwine and a more deep and soulful level.
It’s been months since I miscarried and I think all I have had is just one hug. When I think about that as the direction that my life is going I wonder if that kind of human interaction will ever be enough. Looking around me there is a cat in each corner of my eye. I like to observe their movements, how they interact and even how they look up and move towards me. My fascination grew at a young age of course. Who doesn’t think of Cleopatra when they think about the cat. The guardians to their empires and the entrance to the after life. That brings us to death and all it’s meanings up next. The topics we all seem to fear.
Death we are fascinated yet scared by it all at the same time. The same thing that draws us to the carnage of a murder scene repels us if it involves somebody we know. This morning looking at my Lucille she was boated and her tummy was extended. I noticed it yesterday and mentioned it to the husband. It took him looking at her this morning before all the alarm bells started going off. She looks pregnant which is IMPOSSIBLE because absolutely all of our animals are fixed.
It finally clued in that she didn’t look and feel right so he googled it and guess what now he thinks her organs are failing. Not only that at 6 in the morning we are in a full bloom discussion of what it is going to feel like when our animals start to die. Remember 9 cats, 3 dogs, 7 budgies and 2 chinchilla’s is a whole lot of death. I cry when even my plants die and my husband punches holes in the walls when a pet does. Things will not end well for us if today is the day one of our animals is put down which led to I wonder who it will be first.
You can conceive every possible ending if you let your mind wander careless and free. We are all guilty of it and that is how I found myself to be inquiring on my own demise and how it would feel if I knew I was going to die today. So now my husband is convinced it is organ failure and he is thinking of rushing her to the emergency 24 hr vet clinic. It also maybe could be gas or constipation. The ladies have taken to eating dog food on the regular and that can not be good for him. The guys are a little bit different. Like eating dog food is below them. It is funny to see their little personalities shine through and building little dialogues.
We all have to die so it can’t be all that bad. That is another testament to why we need to honour those who have lived before. Individually we mean nothing that is why corruption and coercion was easy. If you could do something for almost nothing and get away with it you would do it too wouldn’t you? Who would it affect? We forget the butterfly affect. We how are we to determine if and when that ripple will show up and forever alter time. We need to do something to acknowledge the fear that resides over this land. Too much blood shed for no reason there has to be a cost. To allow those that continuously pervert what it means to be human should have to be accountable in some sort of way. Pleading ignorance doesn’t chance the events from happening it just shows the lack of character and remorse that we all still have.
The easiest way to find true friend from faux is to publicly use cannabis online. I have yet to find a faster way to be shunned from people who actually know you to let them know you indulge in this way. What just disgusts me in their ignorant/arrogant approach is that they all partake from time to time but just in case their future employer or the government creeps their sh*t better look like you hate it and all people who consume it just in case there is a Jesus Christ. And Jesus did exist he was just a real good person. He was born and lived selfless and encouraged people to find their own life and love inside of each other. He had to die because the way he encouraged people to think was not profitable for the monarchy and what other evil tyrant wanted to rule the land. Of course all these people existed that is how legends and stories are born but the idea that we all work until the day we die to acquire sh*t we all just leave behind. Something ain’t right and that is why he had to die.
Real honest good people don’t shame people for their choices on how they chose to try and live. Most of us are barely holding on gripping on to the fear that the wrong person will find out about our mental illness or PTSD or former addictions that we will insult those that are brave enough to bring it to your attention. I said it once and I said it before a Doctor is the reason that I baby dropped right of me in front of my son and husband not cannabis but prescriptions. Not only that but I asked her POINT BLANK if this is a side affect which it is KNOWN for and she said NO!!! Shots fired Karen looking down at me like your sh*t don’t stink claiming that you are an advocate for ALL life except for the ones who smoke weed am I right?