My sweet Lucille. Where does one go to even discuss how one feels when they lose a loved one especially when she was such a sweet pet. She was my ride and die and saw me through everything. She never abandoned when everybody else did. Sure she could have hid around the house in fear of me but when it came to me being at my lowest she was always there.
I remember going back to my apartment to find her after my ex light it on fire. She was nowhere to be found and my soul hurt then after an hour she climbed up through the floor boards. I would do anything to hear her sweet, annoying little mew again. Lucy, please come home.
There was no way I was going to let her see how scared I was holding her at the vets. Even when the vet came in and showed me the x-rays and I asked if it was worms and all she said is I wished. I looked at her and asked her if I should cry and she looked at me through tears and said she would. Her body was filling up with feces at an alarming rate. Everything inside of her was failing and you couldn’t see her organs through it all. She was incredible pain but all she wanted was to come home with me. I too was dying on the inside but not in the same way as she.
I couldn’t lose myself in that room. It would hurt Lucy too much to know that she was the source of my pain. Well it wasn’t her that let me down it was the cancer that insisted on taking my sweet kitty. The vet told me we could do further testing but she wouldn’t survive and it would be cruel to do that to her. The ONLY option was euthanizing and I had nobody to hear my internal screams.
My husband and son had left home from the day so I was once again left with this incredible burden to fall entirely on my shoulders. I was even in denial when I walked into the clinic. I remember saying that my husband just wanted to embarass her and have her Dr call her fat. The first thing my vet said was she was in very poor body condition. My poor sweet wobbly kitty you still mean the world to me.
I got my sweet gal from a horse riding stable in Langley BC. It seems she liked to bother the horses and one day she got kicked by one. It blew out her ear drum and she developed vertigo which meant no more outdoors for her and it meant a life long friend for me. She was always there at the end of a hard day. Even drove 16 hours in a U-Haul with another friend who is no longer. Maybe they can find each other somewhere on that Stairway to Heaven. At least that is what my 4 year old son said to me as we were going to bed last night. He told me that Lucy was up in the clouds. He pointed his finger at me and said you did that. I didn’t even know what to think.
They prepped the table for where they would inject and where she would take her last breath and where her body would eventually die. No. I told her I would hold her forever and I wasn’t talking about her body. I got out my rose quartz and held it in one hand and kissed her little head and stroked her body as she got ready to leave this land. The vet warned me for what could possibly happen and I mean all the POSSIBILITIES. As death came for her she climbed up my arm. She took her final breath in my ear and then collapsed down into my arms. The whole time I told her I would never let her go and what I meant by that was the memories and love that we shared. Her heart, soul and spirit. As the Vet checked her vitals and told me she was gone I didn’t feel the cold movement of energy that one normally feels. What I felt was the crystals beside her burning red hot into my hands. I didn’t want the vet to see them so I tucked them quickly inside my bra. The hardest part was giving up her body. I kept running to kiss her head just one more time alright maybe two. In death I normally feel the severance of energy but I didn’t feel it with her this time. Lucy, my sweet, Lucy please wait for me on the other side.
I know I will be fine and I have my son and all the other animals but is that ever really the point. You minimize the connection you have with the other and it is ok to break down and cry. I am always being judged and I refuse to be judged now even in my grief. I don’t need fake friends and followers when I had a true love like I shared with my Lucille. I will spend the rest of my life becoming a better person if it means I can hear her purr in my ear again. It will never matter to me again if I am liked by another human being. My heart is gone but only for in this moment. I am just trying to come to grips with it all and not be too mad at the Universe for doing it. You can’t sit here and say but why Lucille why not so and so because I don’t feel that way. It was the biggest honour to get so much life with her and it would be selfish for me to think or feel any way more. Holding her was always the hardest because she always kept out her claws. It was the vertigo. Every time she would grip your shoulder like she was holding on for dear life. As much as I hated it I would always hold her for a minute or two. I was always scared for this day in my life when I would never get the chance to hold her again.