A lot can happen in a day and it can be all over before you even blink your eyes. You never truly appreciate the value of a moment until that moment is all that you have left to bring your loved one back to life. I used to think that I was strong enough to deal with anything. I mean I have been called every name in the book but losing my Sweet Lucille has been so isolating. I am thankful that I am alive to share the tale.
I always remember what it felt like to pick her up from the horse riding stables. We rolled up in a pimped midnight blue BMW and we laughed how my little country cat was going to be living the high life and she got to come home sitting on beige leather seats. I needed her more than I needed my own life. The loser boyfriend I had acquired along my many nights of pub crawls and coke straws was in prison and I just got roasted for testing hot while I was supposed to be staying for a weekend visit. The events happened so fast. I dropped my dog off at my girlfriends. Went to work. Picked up a hair elastic put it on my wrist. Drove to Abbotsford. Got told by the prison guards they thought I was smuggling in bricks of coke and I got turned away. I wanted my dog but my girlfriend told me this sad story about Lupus and Dementia and how my dog had proud her Dad back to life so I said just keep him. I was working two jobs anyways so his quality of life was already just waiting at home alone for me so the idea that her loving parents wanted to love on him although broke my heart also made me feel a little less guilty.
I am not good at being alone. Never have been probably never will be so when the add went up that a kitty with vertigo was needing a home I couldn’t apply fast enough to find my ride or die. It is not like I was trying to replace my dog it wasn’t like that. My dog was going to a family that could give him the life he deserved besides I was always welcome to visit. For as long as I can remember I had a hard time sleeping in a house alone. Years of abuse or terror. Who knows I have always felt better with a furry friend.
Losing a pet is the hardest thing and having them die in your arms is even worse. Being the one to give the go ahead as you hold on tight and wait for them to take her less breath. In my head all I thought is don’t make this moment all about you. Don’t let her see how broken you are she is way more scared than you will ever be. If I could change that moment I would just freeze it in time. I know I can’t change a thing and there is no bartering that I can think of that will come to mind. As quick as I cry and scream and think my Sweet Lucille why her, there isn’t a life that I could change for hers not even mine because I feel like the glue that holds all this operation together. When I think of her though everything inside me just hurts like hell. I was never going to let you die without me. Please wait for me on the other side.
What I feel in this moment is so incredibly lost and all alone. She was the piece of me that made me feel hole again when the rest of my world was crashing down. She was there when my friend fell, my Grandmother died, we got robbed, my apartment set on fire and all the craziness I brought into her world. I am tired of hearing I cry too much or too get over it she was only just a pet. She was my best friend who knew all my secrets and never turned her back. She never told me I was crazy, that my life was for nothing or made a whole community of girls turn their back on me. She was there every time I had to start again and she was always my biggest fan. She was known for her drive by cuddles. She had to love on everybody. She was just like my Grandma. Making sure we were all loved before taking the time to care for herself. What I say on those x-rays still brings me to my knees. It makes me so scared of people. It makes it so I can’t even breathe.
I don’t want to be told that I cry too much because this hurts like hell. I can’t stop this pain from threatening to take over me all I want to do is kiss her forehead one more time. I remember turning back and asking the vet for one more kiss. I didn’t need another angel to care for me I thought I was learning to be just fine. This world hurts without you and I look for you in everything I do. Is this a sign from you sweetness. I need to know that you are safe and sound on the other side. It kills me to think that I delivered that final blow. I close my eyes to hear your breath in my ear. How I miss the sweet breath of your smile. There is so much life around me that for a minute it no longer hurts. Then I remember how sweet you were and how you are never coming and the wave of emotions just threatens to take over once again. I know I loved you the moment I saw you and you were my heaven brought to life. Even now I close my eyes to feel you because I am scared I will forget one day what you feel like.