A Dreamer’s Life

While women all over America are protesting their rights to abortion I am being abortion shamed right there in my mother in laws kitchen. Some heathen of a woman is trying to cast her shame onto me as her uterus apparently is just a baron wasteland. So I am being shamed right there in front of my son and my in laws for an accusation of having 10 abortions throughout the history of my life. The rage that coursed through me wanted to erupt but when I looked at the source of this vile filth I couldn’t help but to laugh. What difference does it make if one Negative Nancy is casting shade my way. My life is not valued by your opinion. My life has value every time I share my story.

The actual number of abortions I have had is 2. One at 13 at my Dad’s assistance and one in my late 30’s when I got pregnant by a convicted drug dealer. I didn’t want to terminate a life but in a dream she came to me and she pleaded for the life that she didn’t want to be forced to have. I do believe life starts at conception but I also believe that as the parent to be we have a HUGE responsibility and we deserve the right to try and ensure our offspring at least have a fighting chance. So coming unglued at me for what your previous drug and alcohol abuse did to you really has no baring on me because it is seen in everything that you do.

I still can’t believe I got called a filthy c*nt for having an abortion when all I wanted was my child to have a fighting chance. I would hope my children’s goals aren’t to live with me forever as much as I love them to I want him to realize his own potential and fly. Sorry for not wanting to populate the Universe with more people the Universe will sh*t on and refuse to understand.

Of course word vomit threaten to over take me and as my son begged her to stop her tirade she insisted on getting in my face. Imagine a world where you feel unsafe in your surroundings? This is me almost everyday. I trust no one and speak even less. Who I am as human being needs no validation unless it is coming from me.

A hater is going to hate and they will do what they can to try and get you down to their level. This has always been my right now and I have always been put on high guard. I used to play into the banter but it’s not who I want to be. I am not ashamed of my life or where I find myself to be. The only time I feel exhausted is when I am yet again been forced to tango with the devil. Too bad the only person that will ever feel down is the vile person staring back at you in the mirror. How did you get so spiteful and full of hate? Are you even capable of loving anybody?

Too often our individual rights gets violated because anothers hate on for themselves. It seems easier to spew hate at a stranger than taking a good hard look internally. People come and people go but the one person who always stays the same is you. Ignorance looks good on nobody and the same can be said for throwing shade. Why do you need to live under the skin of another. Aren`t you happy about the skin you find yourself in, just saying. Everyday I try so hard to live a different life so I can feel something different. Everything hurts. Everybody hurts. I cant believe we are all so content in living this lie. Living a lie. Living the same lie. Pretending to be a certain way but incapable of even basic human compassion and thought. If we hurt so does another. It has always been a game of cat and mouse and there is no way of ever thinking of beginning to change it. Humans are cruel and we get the greatest satisfaction when we are able to control and utilize all resources in order to heightens another demise.

Imagine any woman shaming another for the inability or ability to have kids. For their own personal decision to make whether the partner in question or the event as it happened should produce an offspring to rule across the land. There is a reason why murderers and rapists are running rampant during this time. When we take away a woman’s right to decide if she is of sound mind to raise a child that was a product of rape we have failed as human beings. She lost the right to consent in the activity now you are forcing her to stare in the eyes of the man who abused her! Children are pieces of us. A reflection of time that will never go away. If a woman is incapable of being able to raise a child with love and adoration than isn`t it her right to chose?

Walk a mile in my shoes unless I am bored and prone to coming unglued than all bets are off. These type of people are just a waste of time in my mind. Why even bother showing up if you hate everything about me and who I once was? All I was trying to do was survive a serious of continuous unfortunate events and be around the people I love. Is there people out there that even love me anymore or have all of them begin to weed themselves out and die? I wish I could feel something other than all this pain. The reel of my life plays more like a Hollywood movie than a country girl who only dared to dream.

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