The Demands Of Life

You are allowed to demand the life that you want without fear of reprisal as long as you are kind and courteous to all those around you. Your life shouldn’t impose the basic rights and freedoms of living things that we share this time and space with and I think that is where a lot of us veer wrong.

We are ants and then numbers. Numbers then ants. You are insignificant to all around you but matter the most to you and only you. The energy that you emit has the power to affect and control all those around you and it is in knowing this that true power can really be felt. We can’t move mountains individually however so we do need to interact with each other to survive. It is in this interaction that we can afford to be choosey. Guard your heart and soul like they were in Fort Knox. I am telling you there is value in just who you are and not to many people will take the time to appreciate how it is that you came to shine.

An enigma to most, a provider to some your holy spirit will always reside deep inside of you. I forgot what it felt like to truly be happy from decades of others stealing away my smile. Being ok watching your friends shine only lasts for as long as they appreciate your worth. In a world where I feel like I don’t fit in where do I go to find someone who can even begin to understand? What I am experiencing is this suffocating amount of pain. What was once a comfort has deteriorated my brain. I am so angry with the way people just spew all this filth. I am a human being!! I was a daughter before I was a wife now here I am with nobody and nothing not even my sanity to save me from grace.

I can’t imagine a time where we actually mattered to somebody else instead of just becoming another number. Everybody wants to rob us of our self worth than spit us out when there is nothing left. Leaving us alone to pick away the last remaining bits of pieces off of every bone and laughing at our demise and their success like it was all a part of their master plan. I just want to matter to one person and my son of course doesn’t count. He does count and I love him unconditionally but have you ever tried to conversate with a 4 year old? I love him to bits and his hugs are the best but I can’t help but think what it felt like to be held. Have I ever been held in a loving embrace? I think I used to fall asleep beside another entwined in a loving embrace but maybe that was another life? Maybe in this time line there is no such thing as compassion and decency and what I am left with is the comfort of my fur and feather babies and that should be enough to fill my love tank back up, right?

I look at my sweet little Latte who never leaves my side. No matter where I am in the house he is right there waiting for me. I can’t explain that kind of love and I wonder what it would feel like if that would exist in human form. I am scared of my own thoughts because I am constantly told that they are wrong. My argument is that I have always been extremely sensitive. If I have known you in life I will hold onto your legacy until I meet my own maker. There will not be a moment in my life that doesn’t pass by without me blessing the fact that I knew you and that because of you the sun now warms my back and hands. I look for purpose interwoven into everyday and I find it every time I open my eyes. Sure I long for a partner in this existence but there have been so many before me that didn’t need such a thing. At times I just want to go mute and say no more because what is the sense of talking if there is nobody around you to understand?

Life is defined as the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death. Continual change. What about a stagnant life? What happens to those that are incapable of change do they just rollover and die? Without the stimulation of possible hope what happens to the energy inside? I think about Cinnamon as she crossed over the rainbow bridge and how there would be no way on this Earth that I would not hold her as she died. I thought about her life before me and how she just sat in her filth in the corner of some room and just prayed to the heavens to save her. I thought about the day she was thrown into my arms and I hoped and prayed that she would find happiness but as she took her last breath I knew there was no going back. I thought about all the ways that humans have betrayed each other and worse yet what we will do to our loving, selfless pets. I want to scream in anger for somebody to hear me but I am stuck in this hell of suffocation. My thoughts. My feelings. My energy. All I am made to feel great shame. Have you ever had to sit in a room with who you thought was loving family only to be called a c*nt and made to feel shame for choices you made when you were a kid. Every have a family member laugh at you for being raped and wondering why you always cry? I demand the life I want because what people have taught me is they don’t give a f*ck about me. Now I sit here in my own vomit wondering if this life is all worth it with frenemies like that.

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