Just One

I used to think in life I don’t want to complain but come on Earth Goddess give a damsel in distress a helping hand. There is so much to be thankful for but also I keep thinking what the hell. You love to taunt what is left of my sanity when you kick me right back down to Earth. Sick of thinking things might change then comes another blow. I want the life that was promised to me before it became borrowed. What the hell is all this fighting for.

There is cruel then there is hunting. Seeking for revenge. Looking to reduce another to dust or ashes because hell nobody will remember a thing about you least of all the way you smelled. The way you looked as you sauntered across the room dancing like a deer or gazelle when you were young. We all search for somebody who is at least our equal and hope that at the very least they feel the same. There was a time when I was all alone and I would have given anything for my family so maybe what I ended up giving up was the ability to have a loving, compassionate spouse. There is something deeper going on in our misconnection and every once and awhile this ugly beast comes out. Nothing gets him angrier than when he doesn’t get his own way but I think in life that is most of us these days isn’t it?

Now I must admit to being way more sensitive than most so maybe there is a chance that I take his tone out of context and completely the wrong way. In my defense there is no excusing bad behaviour but after many years of never standing out or ever coming first it would be so nice if for once I finally could be. I am a very hands on, sensual, feel good kinda lady and if my partner isn’t feeling like the most important person in the room than I am failing to do my job. My inadequacy comes in my failure in making my spouse feel this way because I am beyond tired of being ignored. I went from hugs at work all time (I worked at Sephora), to family only sometimes and the pandemic changed everything as I saw nobody ever again. I didn’t want to anywhere. People were growing to be so disappointing. All I heard was did you hear about so and so and heaven forbid if I asked even a question because out came the torches and pitchforks too.

I feel one day we were all playing nice than it was just dumpster fire after fire and not too many people were entirely happy with the outcome of their life. There is nothing that I would change which drives me crazy. Am I selfish for wanting to be held and kissed with loving lips a time or two before my life ceases to exist and I have finally came to my end. Tomorrow is never promised so why continue to live in this hell? It is because my family is my everything and when push comes to shove I could never hurt them in that way. It isn’t just the one bond that you break when you decide to enter into a love tryst with another human being. It becomes anything and everything that moves you and it can make you do just these unthinkable things. When you finally have enough of what has been happening for most have your wedded life you just may one day snap. Nothing to finite or even personal you just allow the fun loving spirit inside of you to lay over and die.

There is no worse feeling than being with somebody that just hates everything it is you want to do with your life. Dreams are used as target practice as they all are shot from the sky. Every time the evil dream stealer wizard comes out from the shadows and throws her best at you to defeat you. The apple never falls from the tree unless the apple has never fallen at all. Then we are destined to live in the branches like squirrels looking for a safe place to stay for the winter wondering which one of us is hoarding all the nuts. Looking from side to side to see which one you can push out of the tree faster. That is how life has felt for me like somebody was trying to keep pulling my head under water. I have felt pushed away from all the people who could possibly love me. First from the pandemic and now from whatever misguided tales are being circulated about me. I never pretended to be somebody that I could not be when I was in the company of somebody else. I talk immense pride in my authenticity in a world where we are so quick to agree with anybody else who seems to be attracting more buzz that week. I don’t sway or change for anybody. Life is too hard to keep tabs in such a way.

Time slips by so fast so we want to be in the game more times than we are left sitting on the bench. They say we regret 99% of the shots we don’t take so what is the harm if we just sit out just this one? This one could be all the difference. This one could change a life. In fact all you need is one to make you feel good and just one to help turn out the lights. It takes just one to check in on you in that loving sort of way. It takes one to lovingly hold you and keep the bad one at bay and away. What I wouldn’t do to have somebody on my side. It is exhausted waiting to take part in my own life but I don’t want to do anything to extreme. I am happy in just existing, too scared in knowing how good anything else could feel.

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