The Travesty of Self Worth

You disrespect yourself every time you chose to ignore somebody else’s bad behaviour. Let that sink in.

Why do we feel the need to put up with it? There are those in life content on stealing another’s shine and make it blatantly obvious in doing so. Loyalty moves to the side when the opportunity arises to impress somebody else. I have fallen victim to this macabre display of friendship and have closed all the doors behind me as I walked away.

It is not so much to do with anything that I have done or have happened to me I just want to live in a world that os good for my son. I don’t want him to witness the way some carry on. I fear for their children with every word that they say because no good has ever come from an over priviledged human being. That’s the struggle. Most can’t understand the trauma of abuse that some of us were forced to endure. Their inability to relate makes it easier for them to pass judgement on you and make moves towards making you come unhinged or unglued.

They want us to believe that we need each other in order to find success or happiness and in some cases we do but in most cases we don’t. Just think of a time when you have gone to bed beside somebody you love and woke up to them being gone. More to that they are never coming back. Something out there has grabbed their attention and whisked them away. Have you ever had that happened? What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you will you slept in the company of somebody you trust? Have you ever been drugged by your live in boyfriend so he could drain your bank account to buy heroin while you slept? There is no bigger act of betrayal in that moment when you realize you have zero money and the person caught on camera at the ATM is none other than the man you supposedly love. People who love you wouldn’t put you in that position. He sat beside me as we filled out our report at the bank. I had no idea that his days spent picking his skin meant that he was high. How was I supposed to know this level of depravity until after it was all exposed.

We all want to hang out with the bad guys until we find out just how bad they are then it becomes too late to leave. My daddy always told me that trouble will find you depending on the company you keep. I also know that sometimes knowledge ain’t power and there are some things that are best unknown and definitely left unsaid. For example when I was running with a bad crowd I never asked questions. I became incredibly uncomfortable and I was always left looking out of place. In my late twenties I was hanging out with addicts not to use with them but to sell to them. Well not me but the guy that I was with would. The places that we would go to help others get to their most extreme lows was disgusting. I mean the dumpster behind a McDonald’s. A railroad track clearing. I remember once going to a methed out methed head to see about a potential deal. Not deal a gentle takeover and what I saw there just kind of messed with my brain. I knew that these were the types of people I read about in the papers and saw in the true crime documentaries but I was too scared to move. What can one say when you are faced with those that have no regard for the law. I watched a woman machine a pellet gun into an operational weapon that could fire police graded bullets. The kind that can penetrate through body armor. These people were serious and I have never been more scared. This is where I truly learned what loyalty meant to people and what could happen if you dared to cross the line.

I didn’t care about anything when I hung out with those types of people. I had wrote off my life as being a loser case and above point included. You begin to feel like you aren’t worthy of a life capable of anything more. Your life changes when you walk into a room with a prostitute and 2 balding grotesque losers waiting to buy from us so they could both score. Looking into her eyes you could see that she didn’t want to do that but her sickness would take over. There is nothing lower than seeing the desperation in another humans face and not being able to do anything more than what their john’s just ordered. I learned how to suppress any inkling of human emotion just so I could maybe one day even the score. Without hope there is no life and in my darkest hours I still had this faint outline of hope that maybe one day everything would one day turn out alright.

We are all capable of making choices in our lives to see the greatest change. I literally had nothing in my late 30’s now I have everything I could dream of and some days even a little bit more. You have to believe somewhere inside you that you are worthy of all your wildest dreams. I am still longing for arms to hold me but my own value keeps increasing every single day. The more I turn and walk away from those who are just out to destroy me and try to exert their own self control the more empowered that I become. The more I say that I have worth too the easier it is to believe when the morning light shines through. It isn’t enough to just show up every once and awhile you have to show up every single day. There will be days that are designed to cripple you. It is a test to see not only if you are ready but if you are committed to stay. Travesties in life are set to try and set the mood. They tell of a time, place or casualty to help another being see their own life through. There was a time in my life that I wanted to give everybody a chance. Now I wait in silence until I get to dance my last dance.

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