To my younger self with that flippant attitude and wanton ways what happened to you? Is who you are now worth more in some ways to who you used to be then? It seemed like you were more carefree in those days. What happened to you that dulled your shine? Will you ever feel the same way again?
I sure had attitude when it came to life and I was determined to get whatever it was I wanted. Back then I was attracted to danger the most so I became somebody that I could fear and even hate. I was the other woman more times than I could could and truth be told it was more than just a game to me. It was a way to keep me from settling down and playing by the rules. Commitment was something I feared and I would do anything to keep myself far out on the other side.
I was in my 30’s when I stole away a 19 year old’s man. I would laugh and laugh and laugh as she would through insults like old lady and hag. Ain’t nothing you can say when he is going home with me. That is something I was proud of. I can’t believe that she was me. When the war was over and I was left alone with my prize I saw how ridiculous I was. This 24 year old boy was getting locked away for playing a big man’s game. He was literally a pig roast getting led to slaughter, I kinda laugh just thinking of his demise. I laugh because when he was incarcerated he paid somebody to kick in our door. He had our apartment ransacked and set on fire. Truth be told he may have left a floor lamp on that heated up over night. I was away in Alberta then because that was actually an attempt at take 2. Trust me when I tell you your feelers will go off, this guy was lower than dirt. He called with a list of items asking if they were gone. Like how about ask me how I am doing and don’t forget my Sweet Lucille. Oh ya she was locked away in the bathroom kept nice and safe. What robber locks away a vertigo kitty? One who knows they don’t want me going insane.
I was always that girl convinced a lot can be said with just your eyes. No matter where we were out going I was dressed to impress always looking like a dime. I wore stocking and garters and yes I would even wear heels. The true beauty of a woman is the ability to captivate and maybe one day steal. There were so many days when we would always try and play games. My favourite was pick any guy in the room (condition was he couldn’t be clearly taken) and see how far you can get. All I remember was making my way through a group of women then paying for all their shots and his. I woke up the next morning beside him and I kissed him on his lips and was on my way. The secret to being captivating is never catch feelings and never agree to stay. That was a one off though. In fact that was my only one. It was the sense of feeling accomplished I guess and this was in the land before social media truly took off.
Some of the things I did then I think back on and think I am lucky to be alive. I don’t know if I would do things too differently now as I like who I have become. Without each and every single thing happening to me there wouldn’t be this butterfly affect. That is why I share the way I do because these events happened and they are in me to share. Yes we want to trust as many as we possibly can BUT you have to remain guarded not as many are as strong as I am. My husband hates that I teach my son to scream and we scream on top of our lungs. When he wants something the devil knows and I like the way that it sounds. Try to take my son away long into the night, there is no way you will get passed the guards of hell trust me their is no furry like a mother’s rage. I know what humans are capable of because they have done something to me. I wasn’t molested as a child by a neighbour but I know there are neighbours out there that can. I live in a world where the Subway guy was the biggest molestor out there. He smiled down on us for years as our sandwhiches were made. Gross!! Humans can be gross and it is all about getting the rocks off. The greatest lover I have ever known is my right hand…we still cum together from time to time.
To the aging widow who sits alone wondering where her youth has gone and when her next visitor will be. Remembering the parties and moments filled with lust as you danced long into the night in your lovers arms and would even steal away a kiss. As the days blend into nights you long for simpler times that used to make sense but now you listen to the clock tick as you wait for your last breath. Nothing prepares you for the former image that you used to be as you reduce yourself to dust that no one longs to come and see. I hug from a friend or a kiss from a loved one never quenches the fire in your heart of where your youth used to be. We move too fast to an existence that will never matter one day to the person we once were or the dreams that made us believe we could one day be.