I try to find purpose in my existence but I don’t have one. The more I try to stay calm and allow the circumstances out of my control to surround me the more obsolete it is I appear to be. I wake up in terror not able to breathe. My husband is never in bed, not in this life time or in my wildest dreams. He locks himself away at night and smokes cigarettes in the house. My biggest fear is when I have to go find him because my son is asking where it is he goes. I hate myself for feeling this way and some days it just seems more impossible than others. Does it even matter if I go on anymore? It is so cold now I can’t breathe.
Every day I gasp for air as I wonder what it is I will do wrong next. I don’t clean enough. Maybe it is too many Instagram videos, it is just without those I feel lost. Nobody talks to me or even checks in. I am still convinced I died that night. Life has never felt the same since. Sitting in the dark leaves nothing to my imagination. If I close my eyes forever would it matter? A billion others before have done the same thing.
Maybe I deserve this pain because when given a gift I killed it. My baby at 13 left to be incinerated a piece of me burning up the day my baby died. The stones some throw to hurt me never ever will land. I hurt myself the most in those days there is nothing good in my left. The superficial candor that others want me to engage in is lost. I can’t play these games anymore with these people. To be hated in your home is the most surreal experience. The truth of the matter is I have always been hated and I have no idea what is inside me that makes others feel that way. My bird died this morning and once again I am told not to cry. If I can’t cry can I scream because I did everything to keep her alive. I wanted her to have babies so her legacy can live. She was at the bottom of her cage in a lifeless pile her life partner attacking me as she was removed.
Stop talking to me because I know that you don’t care. I see the way y’all look at me. I see the way y’all pretend to care. What is broken inside me can no longer be fixed. I saw a meme about how people’s identity is become clearer. Most of us our guilty of being the one’s who would turn in Anne Frank and her family instead of standing up to do what is right. It is hard to stand up against a sea of *ssholes that believe their entitlement is worth more than yours. You think I want to be under investigation for murdering a chinchilla but I had to report just how her life was lost. We live in among these demons who want to control those that are weaker than them in the most depraved ways. Now ask yourself this. If you were the one standing on the cusp of turning in another family towards their own demise and to your own countries annihilation what would you do. Could you take that bullet in between the eyes because you know that is what the coward in front of you is going to do. Staring into the barrel of a Luger pistol wondering if you have it in you to meet with your own maker in the hopes of salvation. Who are you and what stance do you take? All of humanity is sitting waiting on bated breath for you to decide. Do you stand in the shadows and watch them take each member of their families away and follow along side until they were loaded up onto those trains. WHO ARE YOU? I need to know and do you plead allegiance to a flag or can you stand in Mother Nature and scream you are sorry until your throat closes and your eyes can see no more. Each one of us has it inside of us to do incredible things but we wait. We wait for somebody else to have the courage to say what we are all feeling or maybe none of us feel the way that I do. We will all be sacrificed to one disease or another now I demand to know who are you and where do you stand and do you even know what you are fighting for?
Here they come with their sticks and stones because it is easier to banish me then listen to what I have to say. Good people don’t stand idly by and let any other life form come to such a grotesque end. These lives were peoples children, peoples hopes, peoples legacies and we all stood their and watched all that get turned back to the ground. I can’t breathe anymore because I don’t want to share this air. I can smell the rot and decay that lingers on their breaths. Just like the nuns and priests who claimed to protect our beautiful babies then did horrible things to them in the name of God. God would not desecrate his own image like that. Yet we allow these monsters to be clothed and hid in the house of Christ. Innocent children who only wanted to learn got ripped away from families and humiliated along the way. If you are lost in your own ignorance that just shows you how far down the wrong path you have strayed. Forgive me for my crass words but these are in fact their words and not mine. These holy men believed they were doing God’s work when they beat, starved, molested and God only knows what else to our beautiful Indigenous babes. They wanted to kill the “Indian” inside of them. That is the work of the devil and pure evil who could even distort such thinking in these ways yet we do nothing and sit and silence and let their ancestors pick at their graves. Oh don’t worry it is ok we are giving them their own holiday just to say sorry. Is that how we value the human experience and nothing more. I can’t live this way so oblivious to others. How is it that we all wanted to get here so fast with no regards to the actual cost?